About Me

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Concord, California, United States
I am a sometimes-writer, everyday mama, creative failure and experimental cook. I am interested in living a beautiful life, spending time with my family and making things that I can feel proud of. When I'm by myself I'm usually outside. Don't bother calling because chances are that I didn't bring my cell phone because I couldn't find it. If you see me walking, it's because I lost my keys and if you see me with only one child... I'm probably in big trouble.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Earlier today I told my husband that I was excited for this year to end and for the new year to begin. He said, "What about right now? Aren't you excited for right now?"

I was sort of caught off guard by his remark and I'm still not certain if he was kidding.

I've been reflecting a lot today.

2010 was my hardest year to date. I've had difficult pills to swallow in my life. I've known some tragedy, felt some growing pains, had my heart broken and failed a few times. But, never before have I had an entire year of disappointment where every path lead to disaster.

...which got me thinkin', there's something very beautiful about disaster. And though the most emotionally taxing events are the toughest to weather, they are also the changing things. They make us greater and stronger and richer than we were previously. This year knew a lot of fear for my family. We didn't have our health. We struggled financially. We fell apart... but we never hurt each other.

So, now, on the other side of a terrible chain of events, I feel grateful for the disaster. I don't know that I knew how strong the bond between my husband and I was until it was forced to withstand the weight of a years worth of blows. I don't know that I knew that I was able to hold a stable home together for my children when facing fears that I felt were too big to deal with. I don't know that I have ever been so scared and not run away before now. I didn't know that I had it in me. But now I do.

I am stronger than I was at this time last year.

I have a greater appreciation for my life and marriage.

I have a greater understanding that happiness is where you build it, not where you chase it.

I have a greater sense of self-acceptance.

And I have a deeper sense of peace.

I tend to live in the past or the future but struggle with the now. I hope that at this time next year I can say that I have better control of that. Instead of saying that I'm really looking forward to the year to come, I'd like to be able to say, "I'm really enjoying my life."

...I might not actually know how to enjoy life.

Chew on that.


  1. i like this post. one of the main concepts of dbt, the therapy i want and need but can't afford but am getting supplemental stuff and tips about is: MINDFULNESS. what that means basically is being in the present moment. not worrying about the past or looking the future but just being in the moment.

    it can be used different ways, like big, as you wrote here or small, say you're pissed off in traffic (for me it's the bus); you're usually like, 'we've been here forever', 'we're not getting anywhere', 'we're going to be late', 'this is going to mess up my whole night'. instead just focus on what is going on right then 'ok, i'm fine, i'm in my warm car, i have music, i have food', i am holding my iPhone. you can do it as an exercise some people call '10 things', where you just write down ten basic things. i'll do it now.
    1. i am sitting in a chair. 2. i am typing. 3. i hear music. 4. i am stretching my right leg. 5. my head kinda hurts. 6. i am looking around. 7. i am tapping along to music. 8. i am slouching. 9. i feel warm. 10. i am drinking water. if you're ever stressing or can't sleep you can try it. if you'd like.

    but back to your post...first, what's funny is i can totally picture jay saying that and i wouldn't know whether he was kidding or now =P i am glad you are so positive about this. you have had a rough year, it did really seem like one thing after another and you handled it all in stride. you didn't avoid anything, you took care of what needed to be done for you and your family, i am proud of you! i think it's awesome also that the you have a job that you like now, too. it's funny to think of in this way but sometimes, the worst things can lead to some of the best =/

    i love y'all!

  2. Thanks Nikkol.

    The worst things always lead to the best, don't they?

    Even terrible days. They are always followed by the best days. For me, that's why getting through things is so important. I know that at the other end of darkness always is a huge treasure or reward. It's a rule of life.

    So, I use that exercise all the time, but didn't know that it was an exercise of therapy. I also use it with my girls. When they complain we talk about the good things in life. Lately, on our freezing mile plus walk home from school, we spend a lot of time talking about why we are so fortunate... rather than focusing on how cold we are or how long the walk is or how our hands sting.

  3. i like your rule of life...so true.

    awesome! yeah, it's a coping tool and a great one at that. good for you and the girls =-)