I was sort of caught off guard by his remark and I'm still not certain if he was kidding.
I've been reflecting a lot today.
2010 was my hardest year to date. I've had difficult pills to swallow in my life. I've known some tragedy, felt some growing pains, had my heart broken and failed a few times. But, never before have I had an entire year of disappointment where every path lead to disaster.
...which got me thinkin', there's something very beautiful about disaster. And though the most emotionally taxing events are the toughest to weather, they are also the changing things. They make us greater and stronger and richer than we were previously. This year knew a lot of fear for my family. We didn't have our health. We struggled financially. We fell apart... but we never hurt each other.
So, now, on the other side of a terrible chain of events, I feel grateful for the disaster. I don't know that I knew how strong the bond between my husband and I was until it was forced to withstand the weight of a years worth of blows. I don't know that I knew that I was able to hold a stable home together for my children when facing fears that I felt were too big to deal with. I don't know that I have ever been so scared and not run away before now. I didn't know that I had it in me. But now I do.
I am stronger than I was at this time last year.
I have a greater appreciation for my life and marriage.
I have a greater understanding that happiness is where you build it, not where you chase it.
I have a greater sense of self-acceptance.
And I have a deeper sense of peace.
I tend to live in the past or the future but struggle with the now. I hope that at this time next year I can say that I have better control of that. Instead of saying that I'm really looking forward to the year to come, I'd like to be able to say, "I'm really enjoying my life."
...I might not actually know how to enjoy life.
Chew on that.
