Trick or Treat

Yesterday I spoke on the phone with my childhood friend S. I caught her up sobbed my way through the long, distorted, miserable tale that has become the story of our recent past. She's probably the strongest, most grounded, earthiest person I know. I sort of consider her fearless. She's the sort of person who's like, "What's the big deal about lice? Sprinkle a little Cayenne Pepper and some organic apple cider vinegar on your head and yer good to go."

Honestly, I was hoping that she'd offer me some sort of refuge. Not that I'd necessarily take it. But yesterday was a low day and the thought of dipping my children into tubs of hot water, spraying my car with pesticides, popping some strong antihistamines in my dogs mouth and us all quietly escaping Philadelphia at some point in the middle of the night did cross my mind once or twice.

But even my fearless friend S was like, "BEDBUGS ARE MY WORST FEAR. Don't go anywhere. You'll take them with you."

I cried and cried and cried.

And she was like, "It's okay to call me crying. Do it as much as you need to. But remember, you're the mama. You're the lighthouse (I think that she said lighthouse... but it could have been flashlight or lamppost or porch light or maybe even life force... something to that effect) and you've got to hold it together for your family."

This isn't the first time that someone has said something like this to me in reference to the bb's. And I have been trying VERY HARD to hold it together. I lay in bed with my girls and tell them that everything is going to be alright. I tell them not to worry and I recite all of the good things in our lives. I tell them how much I love them and I tell them about all the great things that we have to look forward to. I spend a lot of time on the dinners that I make each night and I try very hard to create a homey atmosphere of safety, sanctuary and peace.

Realistically, this is just a show. And every so often I slip and I snap or I break and I cry.

I cry more when they are in school than when they are at home and I cry less this week than I did last week.

But, sometimes I fall apart.

I am going to work harder to make things better for the girls. No matter how much money we owe and don't have. No matter how much stuff we've lost. No matter how victimized we feel by the stupid bed bugs or how long it's going to take us to recover from them... our kids have whole lives ahead of them and they need to walk away from this unscarred.

So, although it probably seems small and silly, I took a little step towards happiness and normalcy today by decorating our fireplace with a few of the Halloween party decorations that V passed down to me (from her party a few years back). It's just a couple things, but I know that she'd probably rather see something from my house incinerated rather than have it back in her house right now. I know that my girls will come home this afternoon and be completely thrilled to see this!

I am going to do more happiness and less complaining. I'm going to be more grateful that we're alive and that nothing irreparable has happened to my family. This, eventually, can all be fixed.