The Great Weight Struggle.

Because this has been such a gigantic change in my life, I know that I should write about it.

Honestly, it's a difficult topic for me. I struggle with it for a few reasons. First, I don't quite know where to begin or how to organize my thoughts. Secondly, to be honest, it's just really embarrassing. And the third reason is that after conquering this, I just want to put it behind me and pretend that it never happened.

But it did happen. And I should own it. And I should feel proud of myself. And I should explain what happened. Maybe someone who is experiencing something similar may feel helped by my experience.

I guess that I'll start at the beginning. I have always had disordered eating. I have had entire years of my life when I ate nothing more than an orange and a fat free yogurt in a day. I have gone through bouts with both anorexia and bulimia. I have been really fat. I have used food to comfort myself. I have been a binge eater. I have gone through years when I wasn't able to keep a meal down and have used laxatives or my fingers to help me purge.

I have always yo-yoed. My lowest weight was when I was a teenager and went down to 115 lbs. At nearly 6 feet tall this put me at about a size 2. When I was in college I went down to about 125lbs and was a size 4. My highest weight was at the end of my pregnancy with B. I weighed 263lbs. I don't know what size was at that time because it was all maternity. After my second pregnancy I lost quite a bit of weight. I went down to about 180lbs and a size 14. But, my weight shot back up, uncontrollably. I don't know what my highest weight was. But after working out, running and restricting my diet for several months I got on the scale and weighed 242. At this time I was a size 20.

I felt horribly out of control. I was working very hard to control my eating, my portions and the quality of my food. Suddenly, my entire world revolved around food. I felt consumed by what I could eat and what I couldn't eat. I felt hungry all of the time. I felt embarrassed and depressed. I had a deep sense of self-loathing. And this self-imposed hatred was founded in how damaged I felt. I felt that the abuse I had done to my body throughout the years had wounded my metabollism in such a way that it was broken. In retrospect, I was sort of right about that. For a person who has dealt with disordered eating and been trapped in its cycles... feeling out of control is about the worst thing that can happen to you. I actually just felt that I was a fat person who was definitely always going to be a fat person... and clearly there was nothing I could do to help it. So, naturally, I tried to accept and and like it. After all, is being fat really so terrible?

I think that accepting this changed my life. I hated myself. But this was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. My self worth couldn't be routed in my weight and appearance or I was just going to die. I have two children who I had to hide my feelings from. After all, I wouldn't want either of them to inherit these terrible issues from me. I had to change my values. I sort of hit rock bottom in terms of self-esteem and I just had to get on with life... which was really hard to do.

And then I went to the dr. and discovered that I have hashimotos disease. My thyroid is in pretty bad shape. This effects my mood, my energy and my weight. I was feeling depressed and low on energy, which would make me want to eat. Then I would eat and, no matter how much activity I did, my body wasn't able to burn off the calories.

My doctor ordered a medication for me. I'll have to take it for the rest of my life... but it's the most natural medication out there and is compounded to suit my needs. I have suffered no side effects. She also suggested that I cut back my carbs and start eating meat again. I really, really, really didn't want to do this. But, I did.

Now, a year and a half later, I have lost about 80lbs. I am 160 lbs and a size 10... which is perfectly healthy for my height. I don't want to make it seem like I lost this weight from medication alone. Realistically, I was already healthy. My overeating was caused by an actual health problem, as was my weight gain. I had to change my diet to trigger a significant weight loss. But I still eat carbs. I just don't eat wheat or sugar. I have been working out and walking and even running for a long time. None of this changed. Though, because of the medication that I take, it now does what it should for my body.

I'm not sure that I'm actually any healthier at this weight than I was at my highest weight. I always said that I was the healthiest fat person in the world.

The reality is that I am not happy eating meat. I actually sort of hate it and feel gross constantly. I'd like to give it up completely, but I don't know how to supplement and stay low-carb. I am allergic to soy and I need to stay off of wheat because I actually feel like I have an intolerance to it.

Maybe I should go to a nutritionist? Maybe I should go to a therapist?