About Me

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Concord, California, United States
I am a sometimes-writer, everyday mama, creative failure and experimental cook. I am interested in living a beautiful life, spending time with my family and making things that I can feel proud of. When I'm by myself I'm usually outside. Don't bother calling because chances are that I didn't bring my cell phone because I couldn't find it. If you see me walking, it's because I lost my keys and if you see me with only one child... I'm probably in big trouble.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Weight Update- Week 11

Okay, I am feeling much, much, much better about things today.

I know that my last weight post was a little bit dramatic, but I'm  having a lot of ups and downs on this journey and it's been pretty hard on me emotionally.  Somedays I feel hopeless and on the day of my last post I was feeling emotional, hormonal and having one of those pre-menstral cravings to eat everything in sight.  Fighting this urge was very difficult.  Deciding to snack is the same as giving-in to me, which is very scary because I'm overwhelmingly all or nothing in respect to my diet.  Which, of course, means that I'm either eating everything or practically nothing.  I have never been much of a snacker or the sort of person who wants to eat five small meals a day.  So, on days when I am hormonal and hungry... it messes with my head a bit.

This week I really worked on being healthier.  I felt myself going to war with food and was filled with guilt every time I ate something.  Quickly, I understood that this was unhealthy and not sustainable.  I wanted to change the behavior, but it's been my pattern to shut-down my diet whenever I am faced with control issues (in reference to food) and just not think about it anymore.  When I don't think about it I feel okay, but I also gain a shit-ton of weight because I am just allowing myself to eat whatever and whenever and end up smothering a lot of boredom and bad feelings in foods.  I definitely am guilty of using food as a coping mechanism for a lot of things.  Food brings me joy in many ways.  I love buying it.  I really love preparing it.  I love tasting it.  I love the way it feelings in my belly.  Truthfully, I just find joy in food.  But, I don't like the feeling of losing control of eating or eating too often in an effort to feel more joy.  I also don't like the feeling of withholding food and feeling guilty for eating every time I put something in my mouth.   It's my opinion that overeating will kill you faster than restricting calories too aggressively... but both are unhealthy and I really do want to be healthy.  I'm fighting for it.   Really, I just want to be healthy and normal.  So, that's what I struggled with this week... but I am feeling much better.

This week I didn't lose any weight.  I weigh exactly the same as I did last Thursday, which is great.  I lost 13 lbs in 2 weeks and 31 lbs in 11 weeks.  I am okay with hanging out here for a week or two, focusing on portion control, keeping my calories in a good place and my nutrition up.  I am working on neither surrendering to food to feel better about ANYTHING or letting food and eating make me feel badly.  I am just making nutritious meals, eating small portions, getting exercise and not racing towards weight loss.  I plan my meals well in advance and I'm going to continue to do so.  Tonight I am even going to eat a potato, which is something that I haven't done since April.  Okay, okay, so I have total carbohydrate phobia and I'll admit that I am going to TRY to eat a potato, but I might not be able to bring myself to do it.

I have ten more pounds to lose before I am technically in my weight range and I am still going towards that goal, but not at such a fast speed.  If it takes me ten more weeks to lose this weight, I am fine with that.

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