Weight Struggle at 10.5 weeks

After my difficult week, I have been working hard to reevaluate my eating habits and straighten my head out a bit.  I see myself going in a dangerous direction, almost uncontrollably and my feelings about this are conflicted.

I am just going to be honest.

My reality is that even though I have lost 30 lbs, I could truly use to lose 30 more.  Technically, I'm only 10 lbs overweight, but my frame is small and I could benefit from losing an extra 20 lbs to feel entirely comfortable. I don't even want to be skinny.  I just want to be normal.  I want to be the sort of person who can just blend in and who people don't look at and automatically judge.  Because of this, it is difficult for me to see food as anything other than an enemy, something that makes me fat.  I REALLY do not want to be fat.  I sincerely wish that I was okay with being fat, but I'm not.  I am okay with OTHER people being fat, but I am sadly trapped in the distorted web of poor self esteem and inflated value in terms of my weight.  I have fought this battle for years, giving in and just eating myself into a plump reflection of the person I want to be, all while liking my hair and enjoying my crafts and being proud of the good friend I am and doting on my children and being loving to my husband.

My terrible reality is this: no matter how much I value the different parts of my person... the things that make me special... the way I work hard to be a good person/mother/friend/wife... I hate myself when I am fat.  HATE.  I look in the mirror and all I can think about is how ugly and disgusting I am.  I am ashamed to see people.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I don't want to have to meet or see people that my husband knows because I am so scared that they'll feel sorry for him for having to come home to such a disgusting fat ass every day.  I wish that I could unzip my body and crawl out of it.  I wish that I were just some other person who didn't have this problem and could just like herself and feel good about herself.  But I don't and I can't.

I try to talk to people about it and even though they say that they understand, I know that they don't.  I know that other people don't feel such desperation and such self-loathing in respect to their weight.

So, this week... since my emotional weight loss last week, I have been trying to slow my weight loss down, and for the above reasons, this is very emotional for me.  And when I am emotional I want to eat.  But I am trying to be healthy.  The last thing that I want to do is surrender and give in and give up.  I am trying to eat more, while still staying between 1200 and 1500 calories.  Last week I was eating between 500 an 800 calories per day, which I know isn't healthy.  But even those calories were making me feel awful and I had to resist the urge to make myself throw up every night.   Last night, I had to fight myself to snack on steamed summer squash instead of corn chips and cheese dip (which is what I really wanted).  I am totally that person who eats when I feel sad and then hates myself for doing it and feels worse and then wants to eat more.

Today, I am, instead of sitting down and smothering these sad feelings in pizza, I am writing this blog.  I am really trying to do healing things instead of turning to food.

I know that I am very unhealthy in my thoughts, but after 35 years of being totally fucked in the head over french fries, I am honestly doing the best I can.  I don't know that there's any hope for me.  I can only hope not to pass this terrible self esteem onto my children.