Weight Update- Week 10

I've had a difficult week in respect to my weight and my efforts to lose weight.  After my big drop last week I had this bizarre inner struggle.  First, I know that it's not healthy to lose 8 pounds in a week.  And last Thursday I tried to make peace with the fact that the number on the scale must not even be real, it must be some sort of fluke.  But I wasn't able to accept it and I got on the scale every day this week, not so much to be sure that the number went down, but more to be certain that it didn't go back up.  It's difficult to have a good relationship with a scale, and though weighing in once a week is a useful tool, over-weighing can become an obsession of mine.  The number on the scale can really make or break the way I feel about myself, which is very unhealthy and disordered thinking.

This week, in conjunction with over weighing, I also developed a terrible amount of guilt after eating anything at all.  Mostly, I hate myself for overeating.  There were several times this week when we sat down to eat and I felt like I overdid it a bit, particularly when we went out to dinner for father's day.  I really love guacamole and we went to a South American restaurant and the guacamole was to die for.  I didn't eat any of the chips that went with it, but I found myself eating forkful after forkful of guacamole.  And then I hated myself for it later. Lately it seems that instead of looking forward to a meal, dreading it and worrying about the way I will feel after I eat it.  The girls and I are going into San Francisco this evening to a fun event at the new Twitter building and I am already worrying about all the food and drinks that will be present.  Jay does a lot of bragging about how delicious their every-day food is, but today is a special day, so I am sure that it will be more and better.

I honestly wish that I could just quit food altogether so that I wouldn't have to have all of these negative feelings about it.  I wish that it wasn't something that I had such a hard time controlling and had such a direct effect on the way I feel about myself.  It's so horrible that food is a thing that's purpose is to nourish me and to keep me alive and healthy, and yet every time I take a bite of something I feel like I'm poisoning myself.

I feel really emotionally drained from my stupid diet.

But I lost 5 more pounds this week, which bring my total to 31 pounds in 10 weeks.

I also added a multi-vitamin for women because my online food journal gives me a breakdown of the nutrients I eat and I have been consistently coming up short on several vitamins.

Sorry this is such a depressing post.  I realize that I should be celebrating because I lost 5 lbs, after all.  I am extremely happy to lose the weight, believe me.  I just wish that I felt better about myself and I wish that my relationship with food and my weight were easier and healthier.

I wish I was a person who liked myself just as much when I'm fat as I do when I'm not.  That is the kind of person I want to be, but it's not who I am right now.