About Me

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Concord, California, United States
I am a sometimes-writer, everyday mama, creative failure and experimental cook. I am interested in living a beautiful life, spending time with my family and making things that I can feel proud of. When I'm by myself I'm usually outside. Don't bother calling because chances are that I didn't bring my cell phone because I couldn't find it. If you see me walking, it's because I lost my keys and if you see me with only one child... I'm probably in big trouble.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Everyone Is Pregnant

I don't have that many friends who I see often.

Actually, I have a bestie who I've never met face to face before! The majority of my friendships are with people who live thousands of miles away and who I only get to see once or twice a year.

As far as close, close friends who I get together with and see frequently, I have four. I have four girlfriends who live within a couple of hours and who I will take a night to see here and there. I feel so completely blessed to have these friendships. It took me years to really understand that I don't need to please lots of people or squish myself into the expectations of my friends in order to be liked and accepted. The people in my life love me and I love them too. I don't worry that they'll judge me and I don't judge them. These are good, strong, honest, lifetime friendships.

Two of the four are pregnant and a third will be pregnant soon.

So, there I am. Nearly by myself in the empty womb club.

And I can't help but feel a little left out.

I had always wanted to have a third baby, but my husband had strong feelings against it. A few years ago I resigned myself to being grateful for the two children that I do have and decided to enjoy my family as it is.

And I do.

... but I can't help but feel a little bit envious of the growing families around me.

Isn't that awful? I'm pretty embarrassed by it.

My friends completely deserve to have babies and wonderful husbands and big families. They are great people and fantastic parents... so it's just terrible that other people's pregnancies should make me feel a little bit sad about my own life when I should be experiencing nothing but joy and happiness for the people who I love and care about.

I guess that in reality I still want a third baby. I always will. It's just something that I had to sacrifice in order to be married to the person who I chose to marry.

The resentment comes in waves.

This is one of those things that we've never been on the same page about. It's sort of a big thing.


  1. wasn't this something you both agreed on at a certain time? that you were ok with 2?

    you'll snap out of it, after you hold a baby, and it starts crying, and you can GIVE IT BACK. i love babies too, and sometimes i feel like i want another one. then, i hear one cry...and i remember how much it drives me bonkers, and how much i like sleeping 7 or 8 hours at a stretch. it's all good.

  2. That's exactly what my mom said.

    I don't think that we necessarily agreed, so much as I just gave in. I mean, let's face it, you can't force a baby on someone who doesn't want one. And it's not as if I don't have two beautiful children. So, I'm just a complainer.

    And I love sleep...

  3. I think it's not so much resentment Anna as grief. Granted I have never had something work it's way out my uterus but see a lot of women go through a grief process after they've drawn the line at how many babies to have. It's grief that you're not going to carry a baby again and that you won't have those experiences again. It feels a lot like jealousy and/or resentment but giref is often only associated with death so we don't always recognize it.

  4. OH MY GOD.

    That IS it.

    I've never thought of my feeling in those terms before, but you are completely right.
    Thank you, Talissa.

  5. i'm not pregnant. or am i and going to give surprise birth and be on a reality show?

    i think the comments say a lot on this one and i agree =)

  6. hahaha....

    Yes. But you thousands of miles away from me. Almost all of the close friends that I have who I see more than twice a year are already pregnant or planning on getting that way. Lol.

    Who knows... maybe this will spread and you WILL BE pregnant. Mwah hahahahha...