About Me

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Concord, California, United States
I am a sometimes-writer, everyday mama, creative failure and experimental cook. I am interested in living a beautiful life, spending time with my family and making things that I can feel proud of. When I'm by myself I'm usually outside. Don't bother calling because chances are that I didn't bring my cell phone because I couldn't find it. If you see me walking, it's because I lost my keys and if you see me with only one child... I'm probably in big trouble.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Dear Fat, I hate you.

You can pretty much always tell how I'm doing by the number on the tag on the inside of my jeans.

I starve when I'm sad.

I eat A LOT when I'm stressed.

And I spend all of the rest of my life trying to undo the damage done from the tough times.

So, in 2010 we lost everything we owned to the bb's.  It was easily the worst thing that has ever happened to me personally and there was a lot of crying and a deep sense of being violated.  These were terrible times that I'm glad are gone and I'm not going to focus on much here... but my point is that the sadness shrunk me down to practically nothing at all.  It seems very unfair that I'm never able to enjoy being thin because I'm always so depressed.

I spent the following year working pretty hard to rebuild our lives.  We moved to a nice house (but in a  crappy neighborhood.) I got a job and tried to balance all of my responsibilities as a stay-at-home-mom with those of a working mom- which was an insane, crazed undertaking.  We began fertility treatments and month after month I pumped my body full of baby making drugs only to be disappointed by my failure to get pregnant.  Then we moved to a money pit in New Jersey and settled in.  Then we moved again, but this time across the country and on less than a months notice... smack dab in the middle of the holiday season.

This was a stressful year and a half or so...
..and now I'm fat. Again.  My god.  I can't believe it!!!!  

But I'm also happy and in a good place emotionally and mentally.  I have the time and motivation to turn this ship around and get healthy.

Often I find that the way I want to eat is not the way I feel healthiest, so I'm putting all of my idealistic food issues on the back burner and making some big changes.

Actually, I made them.  10 days ago.  And I have to say, it's going pretty well... though not without some fight.  It is me against the fat and I'm going to win the war.

Here's what I changed.
1.) Diet
No sugar.  No flour.  No starchy vegetables.  No rice.  No super sugary fruit.
Lots of lean protein and green, leafy vegetables.  Berries and a little bit of dairy is okay too.
This part is easy for me.  Protein keeps me feeling full throughout the day and I've never been one to do a low carb diet by eating bacon cheese-burgers and blocks of cheese.  As long as I'm not feeling hungry, I am able to successfully stay away from high carbohydrate foods.

No alcohol at all for the time being.  I love to drink wine at the end of the day, so this really stinks.  But it had to be done... I'm not sure when I'll let myself drink a little again, but outside of a special occasion, it won't be for awhile.

No more added salt.  Anyone who has had a meal with me knows how much this hurts.  Giving up salt makes food not worth eating in my opinion.  Giving up salt is WORSE than giving up wine.  Without it... I'm not even hungry.

No more added sweetener.  Outside of a vitamin drink that I have once a day, no more fake sugar.  I do like a little sweetness in my coffee, which is a sacrifice but it's not the end of the world.

2.) Movement
As you can read, I've been out doors a lot working in the garden.  I've never been one to love organized activity and won't ever join a gym or tie myself to any kind of work out routine, but I feel that as long as I'm moving and not just sitting on the couch watching Big Rich Texas, I'll be okay.

Also, my mom's personal trainer has a workout video called Strong Mind, Strong Body, that I've worked out to  several times.  It's really a butt kicker though and she says things like, "Smile.  If you're not enjoying it you shouldn't be doing it."  Truth be told, I'm not enjoying it.  The video is great and if you're a person who loves working out... you'd probably get a lot out of it.  But my friend Julia said it best when she said that working out is like going to a dentist.  It's something that you have to do in order to maintain good health, but it's not fun.  I know that there are many people out there who disagree and really love a good, sweaty, breathy workout... but I'm not one of them.  I will probably continue to force myself to do parts of this video because I can really feel them helping, but I don't know that I'll be able to make it part of my life permanently.

Bunny is at track three days a week and I've been using the opportunity to walk the track while she runs.  Usually I only walk one mile, two at the most... but it's better than sitting on the bleachers and watching.

I hope I start to lose a bit of weight soon.  I feel like I'm fighting for every pound.  In the past all I've ever had to do is skip flour and sugar and the pounds would fall off... but this time has been a little bit discouraging.  It's only been 10 days, so I'm trying not to feel too sad, but in the past I've lost a tremendous amount of weight immediately.

Either way, I'm going to stick with it because I know that this lifestyle is better and healthier than I have been.  Wish me luck.   Some of it hurts.


  1. oh, anna...you'll do it when you're ready.


    we are in this thing together, sister. when you get discouraged, call me. i'll send you some of my dragon breath dressing!

  2. Thanks Laura. You know, your face is already looking so much slimmer. hahah...

  3. You just gotta hang in there and stick with it! It will work, it's just going to take longer this time around. I know you can do it though. With salt just remember that one day you can use it again, it's only temporary. I love you!

  4. ...says the man who loses weight by considering cutting back on carbs.

  5. Happy gardening, by the way! I know everybody is diferent, but summer gardening always seems to cause me to drop about 15 pounds without even trying. All the digging, dirt turning, bending, weeding, mowing - all of that is great for just keeping your heart rate up and the metabolic machine going. Better yet it's good for the mind. I really hope I get the chance sooner than later to come and garden with you for a weekend or two.

  6. Oh Mathew, I would love that. I miss you terribly and we never talk enough for my tastes.

  7. I can totally relate, Anna. I've been considering writing in my Martin Family blog again about my own struggle.

  8. Hey Erika,

    I'd really like it if you did that. Every so often I check in with your Martin Family Adventure blog.

    Even though so many people are plump I often feel like I'm the only person in the world who can't get it together for more than six months. It's such a complicated battle because food and exercise is such a small part of the problem for me... the bigger problem is emotional. I used to smoke and I would sort of binge on cigarettes instead of food in stressful situations. I was terribly unhealthy, but you couldn't tell from the outside.