Health and Weight Reform

I am feeling so proud of myself.

For the first time in my life I feel like I'm beginning to get a good hold on my body image, weight and health.  My yo-yo'ing has left me feeling desperate and hopeless, motivating me to lose weight by fear of being fat.  In the past, very little thought has gone into my health, other than using the blanket "being fat is unhealthy" statement.  I have started fitting back into my old clothes and though I'm still around 25 lbs above what I'd love to be ideally, I am slowly but surely creeping down to "normal."  Sure, I'd like to be thin, but right now I'm feeling pleased to just not be particularly overweight.  I am able to put on clothes that I haven't worn in two years and feel happy and healthy and pleased with the way they fit me.

But something else is happening too.  I have been working really hard at making wise choices and getting my mindless eating and portion control in check.  I have been choosing to forgo fatty meats and dairy, flour and sugar and instead eat things like raw vegetables and hummus or salads sprinkles with chick peas and fresh veggies from my garden.  I have always loved salads, but previously I'd smother my veggies in eggs, cheese and creamy dressings (which I really do think is delicious).   The meal that I have the most trouble with is dinner, but slowly (and not without some internal struggle) I am eating smaller portions, skipping the starch and loading up on steamed vegetables (sans butter, because I was saddened and shocked to see the amount of cholesterol and saturated fat in a few pats of butter).  I had a big victory over dinner the other night when I took one piece of meat and cut it in three equal portions, giving one to Bunny, one to Lila and had only one myself.  Previously, the whole piece would have seemed small to me, and I was mortified when I weighed it and saw that it was 12 oz.  I know that I don't need more than 4 oz and am sort of horrified by the fact that I could happily eat a portion that is 16 oz and not even be that full.  ('Fo REAL).  Every bite I take I ask my body if I need it and what will it do for me.  If the answer is no or nothing, I know that I'm done with my meal.  I've been doing things like weighing food and using a table spoon to measure the amount of dressing or the amount of hummus that I'm eating.  At night if I am hungry I steam a little bit of zucchini (which we have an abundance of) and eat that.

I've also been getting more exercise, gardening and going for some nice walks with the girls.  I will never be the sort of person who loves working out.  Frankly, working out is stressful for me.   I am pretty comfortable with the amount of exercise that I'm getting, though it won't give me a super flat belly of nicely defined arms.  Oh well.  That's not really my thing.  The one thing that I do want SO badly, is one of those grown-up tricycles with a basket.  I would totally zip around town doing errands in it and think it would be fantastic exercise.  One thing that I loved about living in the city was that I walked to do my errands.  I live to far away from/it's too hot/it would take too long to walk to do my errands here, but if I had a big tricycle, I could totally put my groceries in the basket!

So, I am restructuring my weight loss goal.  I would like to lose 25 lbs over the next year.  That will slow my weight loss down from a bit over 10 lbs a month to 2 lbs a month.  I know that I could begin seriously restricting my calories and amping up my exercise and could have this weight off entirely in 10 weeks or less if I put my mind to it... but I have been down that road before.  Here's what happens.  I get crazy, weigh myself three times a day, feel horrible every time I eat and cry myself to sleep with self loathing every night.  Inevitably I give up, give in, console myself with food and defensively decide that I don't care if I'm fat and follow it by gaining every pound back (and then some).  I convince myself that I can eat bottomless portions of foods that are dense in calories and fats simply because they have some healthy properties and then wonder why I am gaining so much weight.

I just don't want to do that again.  I feel that I need to learn how to maintain my weight.  I need to learn how to put the most nutrients into 1500 calories a day as possible.  I need to learn how to eat and learn how to eat for health instead of pleasure (though it doesn't hurt for the experience to be pleasant as well). I believe that losing weight slowly will likely enable me to gain a better relationship with food and as a result, this will be the last time that I'm in this situation.

And after I meet this goal (which I am going to cut a week short and say I'll do it by the 4th of July 2013), my next goal will be to stay within 2 lbs of my weight for a year.  I think that will be much harder for me than losing the weight actually is.

Wish me luck!

Is This Normal?

Check out the roots on my cucumbers!  They are partially above the soil, as if they had been pulled up (which they have not).  Otherwise, the cucumbers seem fine (I mean, the plants seem fine.  There aren't actual cuce's yet).

Diet Tip

I like a tomato as much as the next guy, I suppose.  I mean, I love tomato soup, so long as it has plenty of cream and is covered in cheese-itz.  I like tomato juice, so long as it is one part vodka, a little bit spicy and has a celery stick and toothpick stacked with green olives climbing out of it.  And I like raw bitty tomatoes, just so long as they are dipped in hummus.  And I like tomato sauce, when it's made from scratch (by moi) and smothering a bowl of spaghetti.  I never imagined that I could like tomatoes enough to drink a glass of v-8.

Any-who, I am working pretty hard at making good food choices lately, which has meant making the most of my calories.  I use this online calorie count program that gives everything you eat a grade from A-F and then gives your day an overall grade and tells you what percentage of nutrients you earned.  In my quest to find better health and to not only lose weight, but to gain control of my nourishment, I am trying to use the calories I get each day on nutrient laden foods instead of on sometimes more delicious, but nutrient barren foods and drink.

I have discovered that it is pretty-stinking-beneficial to drink an 8 oz. glass of low-sodium v-8 between meals.  Not only is it filling and satisfying, it's loaded with awesome stuff that I tend not to get enough of (like vitamin A, vitamin C and potassium).  I am not a fan of fruit, so I tend not to get enough vitamins and this is actually pretty filling.  It really takes the edge off of my between meal hunger.

Garden Update 12 Weeks

Interestingly, everything in my front yard is doing exceptionally well.  Even the "mistakes" grown from seeds that I thought I'd removed in crowded beds are growing and sprawling and beautiful.  Yet, I have doted on my backyard and planned and given adequate space but everything is such a mess.  I think that it's fair for me to call my peppermint patch turned watermelon patch a huge failure.  I kept hoping that I could bring it back with nutrients, but it becomes less healthy in appearance by the day.

Neighbors have been stopping to compliment the growth of my squash.  I take a lot of pride in this because I previously had worried that they might mistakenly think that I was out there watering my weeds.

 This is my pumpkin patch.  There are two plants here and they are starting to make vines and sprawl a little bit.  This makes me incredibly happy as I hear from my neighbors that pumpkins do very well here.

 Peppers!  I picked my first pepper for our bbq the other day and used another one when I made fajitas last night.

This garden bed breaks my heart.  It looks SO UGLY.  I want to make it into something next year but I do not know how to get rid of the peppermint.  Clearly, planting in the bags of compost failed in this instance.  Just not the size and color of these watermelon plants.  They are not much bigger than they were the first day that I brought them home.  I had one leftover plant that I stuck in my front yard because I didn't know what else to do with it and didn't want to throw it out.  That watermelon has grown into  a long, green, healthy, flowering vine that is full of babies.

Do you see what I mean.  Look at this watermelon and compare it to the plant above.  Planted the same day.  :(

Baby Watermelon.

Corn!  

Insanity!

I

This tomato plant has humongous tomatoes on it.  They are already giant but still hard and green.  

Jalapenos

This is a peek inside of my crookneck squash plant.  This plant is so big that it has grown these very long, thick limbs that are outside of the garden bed and are growing new branches with squash.  I gave a bag of them away last night and still, I probably have 10 in there that are big enough to eat.  My next door neighbor says that they can be frozen.  I might have to try this out.

It will not be long before these zucchini reach out onto the road!!!!

You are looking at cucumbers, poppies, zucchini, garlic and acorn squash.  All are going well with barely any space to call their own.

I mean, just look at this giant, healthy, delicious zucchini (that I'm going to eat with dinner tonight).

Acorn Squash.  So cute!

Massive garden bed.

Next year I will do things differently and choose some different things to grow and plan better.

I have some time, but I really need to solve my peppermint patch dilemma.  Even if I just pot plants to grow in that space or create some sort of succulent garden, I can't stand having a big plot of mulch there.

Weight Update- Week 12

We had our bbq last night.

I'llbedamnded if I didn't drink my own weight in homemade sangria!

I burned the burgers and then didn't put more on (a decision made post-sangria-consumption) and I'm sort of horrifyingly embarrassed about it today, but otherwise I will deem the day a success.

I ate pretty well, but my friend Amber is the most amazing cook and brought these little vegan spring rolls and a corn/black bean/avocado salad that were out of this world and I might have overdone a little bit.  I ended up dabbling here and there and picking at a bunch of different things... but I'm not feeling guilty and not stressing it.

I don't know if I lost any weight this week.  I suspect that I lost a pound or two.  I am pretty bloated from all of the corn and beans that are sitting like a rock in my belly. hahha.  Not to mention all of the sangria that I drank!  The scale told me that I weigh exactly what I have weighed for the past two weeks, which means 31 lbs in 12 weeks.  Like I said previously, I was getting really obsessive about my weight loss and it was seriously effecting the way I felt about myself.  So, I have been really working on health, instead of weight loss.  I want to be able to maintain as well as lose.

I will check in again on the scale in a few days and let you know if the number significantly changes.

A weigh in post bbq is not the smartest thing to do :)  But, at least the number didn't climb!

Today we are off for an adventure!

4th of July

Happy 4th of July, American friends!

Once, I spent the 4th of July in England and it was kind of surreal not to have a nationwide waft of charred hot dogs riding the breeze from coast to coast.  They did, however, have a parade (or maybe a protest?) on the streets of Oxford that day and I specifically remember that there was more than one person holding up a picture of George W. with a big "X" across his face.  And it was around this time that I got a real understanding of why I should start telling people that I was Canadian.

But enough of this anti-patriotic post on such a patriotic day.  Go, Go America!  Let's here it for the boy!  Let's shoot our fireworks into the sky, drink our cold beer out of cans and eat a few million ears of corn on the cob.  Let's do this with our friends because we are free to do so and I like that about us!

I have been scrambling to do my normal housework while taking care of kids and doing a little bit of food prep too.  Jay hasn't had a day off and on the days that he works he basically works and sleeps and that's it.  Also, Dancer has been giving me a run for my money.  Yesterday he and Groovy-James took off at the same time.  It was a nightmare.  I will have to take some extra precautions to be sure that they don't get out today.

So, on the flip side, Dancer woke me up in the middle of the night barking like crazy and he probably saved me from a really awful morning.  Our front door was wide open.  All pets but Sherbert (who I am not too worried about) and both children are safe and sound, but I am grateful to him.  Can you imagine what a mess I'd be today if I woke up to find all of my pets and Dancer MIA and the front door wide open?

I hope that everyone enjoys their day in good company!  Happiness around!

I always believed that when my girls got older and the tedium of parenting babies and toddlers fizzled out that parenting would be much easier.  I mean, what could be more exhausting than being entirely responsible for two people who are unable to do anything for themselves and seem to constantly be offering their little bodies to test one dangerous and unwise situation after another?

Now that my girls are 8 and soon-to-be 7, it should be much easier.  I mean, theoretically, they can brush their own teeth, get their own snacks, pick out their own clothes, wash their own hair, play in the backyard all by themselves without any fear of a.)death or b.) being put into foster homes due to parental neglect and when something goes wrong, I am never met with a temper tantrum, but am instead able to have heart to hearts because they can express their emotions in a remarkably mature way.  Life should be a snap.

But it isn't.

Let me backtrack.  Just try to bare with me because I have to peddle backward into my own history so that you can understand the problem that I'm having.

I have never had good luck with friends.  By nature and by training I am a people pleaser.  I live in near constant fear of disappointing, displeasing and crime-of-all-crimes hurting someone's feelings.  I will forgive pretty much any transgression and overlook the most giant personality flaws.  I rarely criticize and will be a doormat to just about anyone at any time, putting most of my own conveniences aside for someone else's.

In order for me to be fed up with someone, they have to have really pushed me far.

Since marrying Jay, who does not care about what anyone thinks of him ever... I have gotten a little bit better at taking less shit from people.  My husband has crazy-people radar and is usually able to spot a jerk-user from a mile away... and to this I owe him a great thanks and have learned to trust his instincts.

Though I could go on-and-on-and-on about the many horrible-a-person who has taken advantage of me in my time, let me get back to my children.

I suppose that one of the reasons I married my husband is because I see so many qualities in him that I wish I had and hoped to pass on to our children.  He is incredibly strong and secure in places that I am weak.  I really hope that our children are more like him in these respects.  I just never anticipated how hard it would be for me to let them become like him.

Here's what happened:

My girls have made friends with a neighbor of ours, C.   She's a year older than Bunny and their fence backs up to ours.  When the kids can't play at each other's houses, they go out to the fence and they'll toss a ball back and forth or make up songs and put on shows.  C has a HUGE personality.  It's certainly bigger than that of my children and is very demanding of attention and frankly, both bossy and bullying.  She's not my favorite.  She's been really mean to Groovy-James and so he hates her. We've actually been afraid that he'll bite her.  For these reasons we've been inviting C over less and less.

Recently, one evening after playing in the backyard, my girls came into the house covered in dirt and compost.  C had taken a bucket of dirt and poured it over the fence and onto my children's heads and then run away to go inside.  Worse, we had the worst time getting it out of Lila's hair and she sat in the bathtub crying.  We couldn't rinse the big chunks of compost out.  They had to be picked out, piece by piece.  Talk about gross.

And worse still, she had thrown dirt at Lila the night before too.

I was, of course, livid... and so was Bunny.  Lila was just hurt.

The next night when C came to the fence calling for the girls Bunny went outside and told her that they wouldn't be playing with her anymore and that she shouldn't come looking for them because they were no longer her friends.  She told C that Lila had cried in the bathtub and that we couldn't get all of the dirt out of her hair and that they no longer wanted to spend any time with her at all.

C didn't take this well.  She said that she hadn't meant to throw the dirt on them and she started crying and ran away.

I can not lie.  This really hurt my heart.  Even though C has consistently been mean to my children and has failed to play nicely with them, I feel so sorry of her.

This is the point when (if I were in this situation) I would give her another chance and forgive and forget.  It was my gut instinct to talk to Bun about forgiveness and have her try to make up with C.

But I didn't do this.

I resisted all of my natural tendencies and I just let Bunny be angry and done and supported her choice to eliminate C from her life.

I don't even like C and I am eaten up with guilt about her tears.  I have even thought about MOVING because I don't want to live near her and the hurt feelings are devouring me.

But I know that my silence is encouraging my children to be stronger people who know how to stand up for themselves and don't get into friendships with bossy women who treat them poorly and control them.

Being a parent is so hard.  Teaching your children to be people who are better and stronger than you are is harder.  My biggest parenting challenge thus far is to resist passing onto my children the qualities that I dislike in myself.  It means having an awareness of my actions all the time and censoring everything I do, as not to damage my children.  The anxiety I feel in this is much more taxing than the anxiety I felt in waking up to feed and change a baby every hour and a half.

I seriously wish that I could take my children and move to a place that has no other people (I have been thinking a lot about moving to Barrow, Alaska...it doesn't even have a road that connects it to the rest of alaska.  you have to FLY there) for miles and miles.