I always believed that when my girls got older and the tedium of parenting babies and toddlers fizzled out that parenting would be much easier.  I mean, what could be more exhausting than being entirely responsible for two people who are unable to do anything for themselves and seem to constantly be offering their little bodies to test one dangerous and unwise situation after another?

Now that my girls are 8 and soon-to-be 7, it should be much easier.  I mean, theoretically, they can brush their own teeth, get their own snacks, pick out their own clothes, wash their own hair, play in the backyard all by themselves without any fear of a.)death or b.) being put into foster homes due to parental neglect and when something goes wrong, I am never met with a temper tantrum, but am instead able to have heart to hearts because they can express their emotions in a remarkably mature way.  Life should be a snap.

But it isn't.

Let me backtrack.  Just try to bare with me because I have to peddle backward into my own history so that you can understand the problem that I'm having.

I have never had good luck with friends.  By nature and by training I am a people pleaser.  I live in near constant fear of disappointing, displeasing and crime-of-all-crimes hurting someone's feelings.  I will forgive pretty much any transgression and overlook the most giant personality flaws.  I rarely criticize and will be a doormat to just about anyone at any time, putting most of my own conveniences aside for someone else's.

In order for me to be fed up with someone, they have to have really pushed me far.

Since marrying Jay, who does not care about what anyone thinks of him ever... I have gotten a little bit better at taking less shit from people.  My husband has crazy-people radar and is usually able to spot a jerk-user from a mile away... and to this I owe him a great thanks and have learned to trust his instincts.

Though I could go on-and-on-and-on about the many horrible-a-person who has taken advantage of me in my time, let me get back to my children.

I suppose that one of the reasons I married my husband is because I see so many qualities in him that I wish I had and hoped to pass on to our children.  He is incredibly strong and secure in places that I am weak.  I really hope that our children are more like him in these respects.  I just never anticipated how hard it would be for me to let them become like him.

Here's what happened:

My girls have made friends with a neighbor of ours, C.   She's a year older than Bunny and their fence backs up to ours.  When the kids can't play at each other's houses, they go out to the fence and they'll toss a ball back and forth or make up songs and put on shows.  C has a HUGE personality.  It's certainly bigger than that of my children and is very demanding of attention and frankly, both bossy and bullying.  She's not my favorite.  She's been really mean to Groovy-James and so he hates her. We've actually been afraid that he'll bite her.  For these reasons we've been inviting C over less and less.

Recently, one evening after playing in the backyard, my girls came into the house covered in dirt and compost.  C had taken a bucket of dirt and poured it over the fence and onto my children's heads and then run away to go inside.  Worse, we had the worst time getting it out of Lila's hair and she sat in the bathtub crying.  We couldn't rinse the big chunks of compost out.  They had to be picked out, piece by piece.  Talk about gross.

And worse still, she had thrown dirt at Lila the night before too.

I was, of course, livid... and so was Bunny.  Lila was just hurt.

The next night when C came to the fence calling for the girls Bunny went outside and told her that they wouldn't be playing with her anymore and that she shouldn't come looking for them because they were no longer her friends.  She told C that Lila had cried in the bathtub and that we couldn't get all of the dirt out of her hair and that they no longer wanted to spend any time with her at all.

C didn't take this well.  She said that she hadn't meant to throw the dirt on them and she started crying and ran away.

I can not lie.  This really hurt my heart.  Even though C has consistently been mean to my children and has failed to play nicely with them, I feel so sorry of her.

This is the point when (if I were in this situation) I would give her another chance and forgive and forget.  It was my gut instinct to talk to Bun about forgiveness and have her try to make up with C.

But I didn't do this.

I resisted all of my natural tendencies and I just let Bunny be angry and done and supported her choice to eliminate C from her life.

I don't even like C and I am eaten up with guilt about her tears.  I have even thought about MOVING because I don't want to live near her and the hurt feelings are devouring me.

But I know that my silence is encouraging my children to be stronger people who know how to stand up for themselves and don't get into friendships with bossy women who treat them poorly and control them.

Being a parent is so hard.  Teaching your children to be people who are better and stronger than you are is harder.  My biggest parenting challenge thus far is to resist passing onto my children the qualities that I dislike in myself.  It means having an awareness of my actions all the time and censoring everything I do, as not to damage my children.  The anxiety I feel in this is much more taxing than the anxiety I felt in waking up to feed and change a baby every hour and a half.

I seriously wish that I could take my children and move to a place that has no other people (I have been thinking a lot about moving to Barrow, Alaska...it doesn't even have a road that connects it to the rest of alaska.  you have to FLY there) for miles and miles.

Are You Mom Enough?

The Time magazine cover has really taken my Twitter timeline by storm today.  I mean, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!  So many people are upset about it.  I read the question, "Are you mom enough," six million times, dirtied with denotations of disgust and offense.   I had to check out the links and see what all the fuss was about.

When I finally saw the cover, I thought, okay... so where is the problem?

I get it, I guess.   This very attractive and mainstream, all-american, woman is on the cover of Time magazine breastfeeding a child who is not a baby with a caption that reads, "Are You Mom Enough?"  The boy in the photograph is 3 years old.  Many Americans do not extend their breastfeeding beyond six months, I believe.  But, is THAT the problem?  Is it really possible that a photograph of a woman breastfeeding a three year old has made people this upset?  It CAN'T be.

Is it that the title of the article asks, "Are You Mom Enough?"  The title itself is a rather inflated and combative question which implies that a parent who does not breastfeed beyond the first year is inferior to mothers who practice this tenet of attachment parenting.  But isn't that just so transparent?  I mean, the title is clearly designed to make people feel defensive?    If I saw an article with the same title and a woman with a briefcase and suit dropping her leashed child off at a daycare, I wouldn't be offended.  I would see through it, just as I see through this.

Everyone, parent or not, is aware of the movement toward breastfeeding.  And, of course, we all know that some people extend their breastfeeding.  Is the problem with the Time magazine cover that it featured a woman who is attractive?  Is it that she looks so normal? Is the problem that any common, heterosexual, mainstream man pictured himself marrying a woman like this at some point?  Is it that she looks so healthy? Should a woman who extends her breastfeeding be easily identified as a freak?  Should she wear some sort of extreme uniform, maybe have six inches of hair beneath her armpits and be 40 lbs overweight?  Should she have on birkenstocks and a shirt that says, "I'd rather go naked than wear fur?"  Would that be easier because the majority of us could say, "people like THAT do such strange things...?"

I mean, facts are facts.  Breastfeeding is healthy.  Children who are offered extended breastfeeding are healthier, smarter, thinner and friendlier as a whole.  These things are true.  Tried, tested and proven.  Are formula fed kids unhealthy?  No. Of course not.  Are children who were only offered breast milk for their first year going to be unhealthy, dumb, fat and unhappy?  Maybe, but the cause won't be that they were weened too soon.

Here's what is NOT healthy.  Feeding your kids McDonalds chicken nuggets.  I have seen many commercials that certainly feature three year old children poppin' nuggets into their mouths, smiling and saying, "I'm luvin' it," without anyone so much as raising an eyebrow.  And do you know what, I DON'T CARE.

Guess what?  

I don't care how ANYONE chooses to feed their child.

Do you know why?

Because it's none of my business.

And it's none of yours either.

There, I said it.

It seems that breastfeeding is such  a hot topic and I just can't seem to understand the heart of it.  I mean, really... I do not understand.  Is this an I-am-better-than-you-and-work-harder-at-parenting-and-love-my-children-more-because I breastfeed thing?  Is it another way to take power away from women by convincing women that we are our own enemies?  Really?  Again?  Is it a sexuality thing?  Is it a those-boobies-are-made-for-grown-men-and-how-is-he-possibly-going-to-want-to engage-in-any-sexual-behavior-if-he-risks-getting-a-mouth-full-of-milk?  I don't understand.  Do you?  This is too complicated for me to wrap my head around.

Because it's so healthy, women are pressured by doctors to breastfeed.  All of the literature suggests that if you really love your baby, you'll breastfeed no matter how difficult it is.  Struggling? Call the le leche legue.  Still struggling?  Pay a lactation consultant  to come into your house morning, noon and night.  Sit in the chair.  Relax.  Don't' get up.  Don't give up.  Stick with it.  Mastitis.  Feed through it.  Chapped, bleeding nipples?  Feed through it.  And never give formula.

But, let's face it, very few people do this.  Being a new mother is hard enough.  Formula isn't unhealthy and unless you are very confident, breastfeeding can mean being stuck at home until you are partially supplementing with baby food.  Breastfeeding means never knowing how many ounces your baby is drinking.  Breastfeeding means pain.  Breastfeeding means dirty looks. It means nursing in the bathroom of your favorite restaurant.  It means, struggling with your baby as she pulls the nursing cloth off your your chest because she can't breath and if she can't breathe she can't eat and if she can't eat she cries and if she cries you are getting more dirty looks.  It means, being asked to leave the library.  It means being asked to get off the plane.   It means being asked to leave the store.  Breastfeeding means rude remarks and judgments about your parenting from people who you don't know.

For many mom's. breastfeeding is a near impossibility.  And for most of them, giving formula instead of breast milk feels like the ultimate failure.  There is a division.  People who are breastfeeding and people who are not.  Both are judging and being judged, by each other and by just about everyone else.

As women,  as mothers, we do not have it easy.

So, why the fuck don't we just all go ahead and leave each other alone?

You know, it's amazing to me that so many children are actually being abused in some way but no one says a damn thing because they don't want to interfere with the disciplinary choices of other parents, yet no one blinks an eye about making a judgment about how people choose to feed their children.

It doesn't make much sense to me.

If anyone can help me understand this issue, I welcome it.

Proud of my little Bunny

Generally the way Jay and I parent is to listen to our children and honor the boundaries they set for themselves. We don't force a lot. Obviously we force some things. When Bunny was having trouble with school we said, "I'm sorry but you HAVE to go..." But we try to respect them, even when we don't necessarily agree and even when it makes our lives more complicated.

For the most part this has worked for us. I think that our children are growing up to be fantastic people who have a great sense of who they are and ownership of their actions and bodies. They do things when they are ready and because they aren't forced, they are better able to determine when they are ready and when they feel comfortable. I also believe that they feel more valued. When you're a kid there's so little that you're in control of. I just want my kids to feel that they have some control over their lives.

So, for years... Bunny could not sleep on her own. She has never slept well. Not even as a newborn baby. As a toddler and even a small child, it would take her HOURS of my laying there for her to fall asleep. I tried to let her "cry it out," once and couldn't do it beyond that. My only saving grace was that Lila was so open to sleeping on her own. So, at night, I was able to give Bunny what she needed. My decision was to wait it out. Her fear of being alone at night was real. As she got older she would wake up several times during the night if I wasn't in the bed with her. She'd come find me and cry if I wouldn't crawl into bed with her. I'd be up five or six times in one night... never sure which bed I'd wake up in.

But Bunny is almost 7 years old. I had been struggling for awhile with the fact that she hadn't just naturally grown out of this. And at night, I didn't feel that she was fearful any longer. I just felt that my being in her bed was habitual.

One night I just had it. I had a long, firm talk with her about not laying down with her as she goes to sleep... EVER AGAIN. She will sleep in her own bed, by herself, all night... EVERY NIGHT.

And it was tough at first. She had a few nights when she stayed up and fought it for hours. After that, she started falling asleep so much easier. I'm convinced that my being in her bed was making everything worse for her. It's been over a week now and she's in her bed and actually asleep by about 7:45 every night. She sleeps through the night.... and for the first time in almost 7 years... SO DO I.

I'm so proud of her. Also, I take this as a lesson in parenting. Not that I'll change my general philosophy... but sometimes children don't know their boundaries and they need someone to help them. I think that we could have done this with Bunny sooner than we did, but I certainly wouldn't have done it when she showed true fear of being by herself. I understand that it's fine to do that. I've had pediatricians recommend it to me... so I'm not making any sort of judgement on anyone who chooses this as a way of forming routine. It just wasn't conducive to my parenting style. And you don't choose the sort of parent you are. It chooses you.

GabaBun

I took Bunny Kaitlyn for her pediatric depression evaluation at our holistic doctor.

I really do feel as though Kaitlyn has actual, chemical anxiety. I don't doubt that it's increased situationally, but I also think that there's something deep within her that makes her sad, anxious and horrifically self-loathing. I have never seen a six year old who is so hard on herself. This afternoon we were talking about how she has some stress because her pencil eraser at school is broken. I was like, "Ask Teacher T for a new one..." and she said that she doesn't want to because if she has an eraser than it's as if it's okay to make mistakes. I was like, "It IS okay to make mistakes. It's even GOOD to make them."

Anyway, our doctor suggested that I give Kaitlyn a chewable supplement called GABA, which is a natural anti-anxiety supplement. I have to say, I've found it really effective.

It treats the following:

• You often feel anxious for no reason.
• You sometimes feel “free-floating” anxiety.
• You frequently feel “edgy,” and it’s difficult to relax.
• You often feel a “knot” in your stomach.
• Falling asleep is sometimes difficult.
• It’s hard to turn your mind off when you want to relax.
• You occasionally experience feelings of panic for no reason.
• You often use alcohol or other sedatives to calm down.

Outside of the alcohol symptom, Kaitlyn experiences all of these. Today was the first day that I gave it to her before school and I totally saw a difference. She wasn't particularly cheery, but she didn't cry and she didn't seem super-stressed the way she often does in the morning.

Also, to boost serotonin, I bought a big chunk of real, actual chocolate from Whole Foods. I've been giving it to her sporadically with the hope that it will brighten her spirits. I mean, if it doesn't boost her serotonin, it should at least make her feel perky!

Another Difficult Morning... prelude to a peaceful weekend

Poor Bun, her days are getting easier but her mornings are still difficult. This morning she was particularly tearful and she stood at the gate begging not to go into school.

I wish that I knew what was wrong. I wish that I could give her just a teaspoon of Lila's confidence (god knows that there's enough to spare.) I worry that Lila is sometimes forgotten. It's always been this way. She's so confident and self-serving that she's often not given as much attention as Bunny is. This morning, I can't remember if I even said good-bye to Lila before she walked into school. I was so preoccupied with Bunny's tears and insecurity, that I forget to congratulate and support Lila. I'm a crappy mom.

I am regularly awed by how different my children are from each other.

We have some fun plans for the weekend, which I hope will make life a little better for the girls. Jay and I are going out for dinner at the White Dog Cafe tonight and trying out our new babysitter from sitter city. Then, tomorrow at noon we have reservations to tour the Magic Gardens in Philadelphia... which is a potential birthday party site for Bunny. We purchased our tickets via groupon. Groupon is the best thing that has happened to my day-to-day life in years. On Sunday we're making granola to share with Bunny's class and staying in. I will contact Lila's teacher next week about doing something for her class too. I don't know that I could possibly make enough granola for two classrooms of kids in one day without breaking the bank. We're going to have a restful day in preparation for the week of school and later nights (committee meeting and back to school night).

Since I'm totally content with my weight and done losing, I've been slowly adding a lot of food back to my diet. For the most part I'm keeping it gluten free, but where I was really avoiding carbohydrates, I'm including them in my meals more often now. Also, I've noticed that I'm hungrier than I normally am, which I attribute to the seasons. Today, I went to put on my skinny jeans from the GAP that were pretty skinny when I got them a few months ago and fit fine a week or so ago. They are so big that I can barely keep them up. I got on the scale and wasn't that surprised to see that I've lost a few more pounds. I guess it makes sense because I've been walking so much. I thought that the extra calories and carbohydrates would balance with the extra exercise so that I could perfectly maintain my weight... but I guess not. My thought is that if I'm not trying to lose weight, am eating what I want and being healthy, but still losing a bit... my body probably just hasn't' reached it's natural place yet. It's interesting.