Being A Stay At Home Mom Is A Real Job

I have been thinking a lot about my role in our family lately.  And I've been thinking a lot about my role in life as well.  I've said in this blog before that I've never been a career driven person.  I actually went to college for an education rather than job training and as a way to pass the time while I figured out what I wanted to do with my life.

I had very little experience with children when I fell into momming.  Though I had always wanted kids and always considered/ prided myself on being something of a nurturer, I didn't know that it would be my calling in life.  I couldn't have predicted how satisfying I would find this role in my family.  I'd never suggest that a mom who also balances a career finds motherhood less satisfying than me.  That would be ridiculous, so I don't want to misrepresent my opinion.  The difference between she and I is that motherhood is my career.  I don't make any money, but I sure do save us a bundle.  I can't imagine how much it would cost to pay for before and after school care every day, pay for a tutor to help with homework, pay for someone to drive my kids to after school activities and sport events and pay for someone to provide breakfast, lunch and snacks.  I think that's probably very expensive.  But if you have a career that you love and fulfills you, it's likely worth it to shell out the dough for someone else to provide excellent care for your children.  I don't have a career that I love and I don't have any job that I am interested in doing...  so, why the societal pressure to do something different than what's working for me?

Why in the world do people feel the need to pressure and guilt stay-at-home mom's to get jobs when their kids go to school?   No one has EVER asked my husband if he was going to get a second job to fill his down time.  Why am I expected to?  It boggles my mind.  People say these rude, arrogant, demeaning things like, "Oooooh.  I would just be so bored..."  Guess what?  When you have two little girls who are barely 16 months apart in age and are 7 and 8 years old... folding laundry, washing dishes and scrubbing your floors in peace and quiet is not boring, IT IS LUXURY.

Pardon my tangent, but it's like this:  I work my fucking ass off 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and I have for the past 8 years.  It took Bunny 7 years to sleep through the night.  7 YEARS.  Jay is a great dad, but when my girls are sick/cranky/tried/needy/upset/fighting or sad, I am the one that they come to and need.   I always have been. I am the one who disciplines.  I am the problem solver. I am the one who does our grocery shopping and am responsible for everything that goes into my children's mouths.   I work tirelessly creating healthy meals that take me hours to make.  I take them to sports and sit through (excruciating) practices.  I take them to school and I pick them up and I sit at our kitchen table with them for hours upon hours every afternoon working on homework, making sure that my children understand each and every new concept that they've been taught.  Usually as they do this they are eating a healthy, homemade snack.  I am by their side, sleeping in their beds when they are sick.  Any opportunity to be in their classroom- I am THERE.  Any opportunity to help out in the school in any capacity- I take it.  I am in the front row at every performance (even the performances that just happen in our back yard.) that they have.  I am crafting with them.  I am joking with them.  I am having deep heart to hearts and mending their hurt feelings when someone has made them feel badly.  And on top of that, I run a tight ship and keep a pretty clean home and keep our pets all alive (for the time being).

I work really, really, really hard.  I mean, REALLY hard.  And I love the work that I do.  I don't find it mundane.  I don't find it tedious.  I understand that other people have or would.  People are always very quick to loudly express how unfulfilling my job is.  But parenting is my career.  Someday my children will go to college and I will semi-retire, but for the next 11 years, this is what I want to do with my life.

I am very lucky because Jay has a good job.  I appreciate this so much because at one point we were really struggling financially and I had to go to work.  I loved my job but I was exhausted.  The fact was that I did everything that I do now, and I went to work for six hours a day while my girls were in school and missing time with them on the weekends.  And I ended up feeling incredibly stressed out and emotionally and physically taxed...

So, why, when I have a few hours a day to work alone, in my home and enjoy life, should I be expected to get a job?  I am a person not just a mother.  I have interests.  When my girls are at home I don't' have the time to peruse those interests or do much but parent my children- which is the way it should be.  But I would like to be able to do other things as well.  I mean, Jay has hours upon hours upon hours of down time on his days off when we are all sleeping, but no one suggests that he should fill this time with some money-making strategy.  It's just so sexist.  And it pisses me off.

Are You Mom Enough?

The Time magazine cover has really taken my Twitter timeline by storm today.  I mean, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!  So many people are upset about it.  I read the question, "Are you mom enough," six million times, dirtied with denotations of disgust and offense.   I had to check out the links and see what all the fuss was about.

When I finally saw the cover, I thought, okay... so where is the problem?

I get it, I guess.   This very attractive and mainstream, all-american, woman is on the cover of Time magazine breastfeeding a child who is not a baby with a caption that reads, "Are You Mom Enough?"  The boy in the photograph is 3 years old.  Many Americans do not extend their breastfeeding beyond six months, I believe.  But, is THAT the problem?  Is it really possible that a photograph of a woman breastfeeding a three year old has made people this upset?  It CAN'T be.

Is it that the title of the article asks, "Are You Mom Enough?"  The title itself is a rather inflated and combative question which implies that a parent who does not breastfeed beyond the first year is inferior to mothers who practice this tenet of attachment parenting.  But isn't that just so transparent?  I mean, the title is clearly designed to make people feel defensive?    If I saw an article with the same title and a woman with a briefcase and suit dropping her leashed child off at a daycare, I wouldn't be offended.  I would see through it, just as I see through this.

Everyone, parent or not, is aware of the movement toward breastfeeding.  And, of course, we all know that some people extend their breastfeeding.  Is the problem with the Time magazine cover that it featured a woman who is attractive?  Is it that she looks so normal? Is the problem that any common, heterosexual, mainstream man pictured himself marrying a woman like this at some point?  Is it that she looks so healthy? Should a woman who extends her breastfeeding be easily identified as a freak?  Should she wear some sort of extreme uniform, maybe have six inches of hair beneath her armpits and be 40 lbs overweight?  Should she have on birkenstocks and a shirt that says, "I'd rather go naked than wear fur?"  Would that be easier because the majority of us could say, "people like THAT do such strange things...?"

I mean, facts are facts.  Breastfeeding is healthy.  Children who are offered extended breastfeeding are healthier, smarter, thinner and friendlier as a whole.  These things are true.  Tried, tested and proven.  Are formula fed kids unhealthy?  No. Of course not.  Are children who were only offered breast milk for their first year going to be unhealthy, dumb, fat and unhappy?  Maybe, but the cause won't be that they were weened too soon.

Here's what is NOT healthy.  Feeding your kids McDonalds chicken nuggets.  I have seen many commercials that certainly feature three year old children poppin' nuggets into their mouths, smiling and saying, "I'm luvin' it," without anyone so much as raising an eyebrow.  And do you know what, I DON'T CARE.

Guess what?  

I don't care how ANYONE chooses to feed their child.

Do you know why?

Because it's none of my business.

And it's none of yours either.

There, I said it.

It seems that breastfeeding is such  a hot topic and I just can't seem to understand the heart of it.  I mean, really... I do not understand.  Is this an I-am-better-than-you-and-work-harder-at-parenting-and-love-my-children-more-because I breastfeed thing?  Is it another way to take power away from women by convincing women that we are our own enemies?  Really?  Again?  Is it a sexuality thing?  Is it a those-boobies-are-made-for-grown-men-and-how-is-he-possibly-going-to-want-to engage-in-any-sexual-behavior-if-he-risks-getting-a-mouth-full-of-milk?  I don't understand.  Do you?  This is too complicated for me to wrap my head around.

Because it's so healthy, women are pressured by doctors to breastfeed.  All of the literature suggests that if you really love your baby, you'll breastfeed no matter how difficult it is.  Struggling? Call the le leche legue.  Still struggling?  Pay a lactation consultant  to come into your house morning, noon and night.  Sit in the chair.  Relax.  Don't' get up.  Don't give up.  Stick with it.  Mastitis.  Feed through it.  Chapped, bleeding nipples?  Feed through it.  And never give formula.

But, let's face it, very few people do this.  Being a new mother is hard enough.  Formula isn't unhealthy and unless you are very confident, breastfeeding can mean being stuck at home until you are partially supplementing with baby food.  Breastfeeding means never knowing how many ounces your baby is drinking.  Breastfeeding means pain.  Breastfeeding means dirty looks. It means nursing in the bathroom of your favorite restaurant.  It means, struggling with your baby as she pulls the nursing cloth off your your chest because she can't breath and if she can't breathe she can't eat and if she can't eat she cries and if she cries you are getting more dirty looks.  It means, being asked to leave the library.  It means being asked to get off the plane.   It means being asked to leave the store.  Breastfeeding means rude remarks and judgments about your parenting from people who you don't know.

For many mom's. breastfeeding is a near impossibility.  And for most of them, giving formula instead of breast milk feels like the ultimate failure.  There is a division.  People who are breastfeeding and people who are not.  Both are judging and being judged, by each other and by just about everyone else.

As women,  as mothers, we do not have it easy.

So, why the fuck don't we just all go ahead and leave each other alone?

You know, it's amazing to me that so many children are actually being abused in some way but no one says a damn thing because they don't want to interfere with the disciplinary choices of other parents, yet no one blinks an eye about making a judgment about how people choose to feed their children.

It doesn't make much sense to me.

If anyone can help me understand this issue, I welcome it.

Le Conflict

I've always considered myself a feminist.  Back in my 20's, when I was less comfortable in my skin and constantly in a battle for my rights and my equality, I was loudly a feminist.  But, as I've gotten older and settled into life, become comfortable, made choices and learned to respect and tolerate the opposite choices of my friends and peers, I have started to speak instead of scream.  I've stopped labeling myself a feminist and started to just be who I am.  I used to use the word "feminist" to define myself.  And now I use other words too.  One of them happens to be mother.  And none of the words that I use pay my bills (feminism didn't either).

I imagine that many people from my past would be surprised to learn that I became a stay at home mom.  Some might even think that I would be miserable in this role.  After all, feminism is largely seen as a movement away from stay at home parenting and towards career.  Men had more choices and rights.  Now women, generally have as many choices and rights, so a failure to utilize this freedom must be an oppressive backlash to progress, right?

So, before I get to the heart of this post, I want to preface it with two questions.  1.) Is it wrong to feel as fulfilled by traditional career-parenting as you would be by a career outside of the home?  2.) Does gaining financial benefit from an action make you realize it to a greater degree?  For instance, if I enjoy writing and blog every day am I less of a writer than someone who is equally productive but is paid for it?

Now to the point:

I catch up with my friend Julia on the phone most mornings.  She's one of the most intelligent women I know and over the years we've seen each other through many twists and misadventures.  We are both currently mom's and stay-at-home parents.  Julia and I discuss a great many things.  We enjoy talking about the books we read, our husbands, crafting ideas, our writing and, of course, our children.   When I have a problem, Julia is one of the first people I go to and I often feel that she bounces interesting, thought-provoking conversation off of me, to which I am very grateful.  Our conversations are often conceptual, rather than being about day-to-day goings on.

Today, she expressed a distaste for an article she read in this months issue of Marie Claire.  It was in interview with Elizabeth Badinter about her new book called The conflict.

Elizabeth Badinter is a french feminist and probably a pretty smart (though in my opinion, ass-backwards)  firecracker.  The premise of her book is that women are crazy to give up economic independence and return to stay at home parenting.  The movement towards green parenting (breastfeeding, cloth diapering, homemade baby food, co-sleeping) is oppressive and will have harmful effects on families as a whole.  In a nutshell, she believes that women are giving up their identities as women and as PEOPLE by giving up their jobs and staying at home with their children.  The relationship between man and woman will be harmed and strained by the relationship between mother and child and the relationship between father and child will be strained because the dad will not have as much opportunity to be present for the child.  The child is also harmed because it has spent too much time being nurtured which is unhealthy toward the development of independence (as an attachment parent, this is ludicrous to me). When the children grow and women have a few free hours in front of them, they will be nothing because they have identified as only mother's.  They will not be able to get their careers back and their children will not need them as much (or worse!  WILL need them as much) and they will be barren of purpose in the world, unable to be true members of society.

I'd like to address this under the canopy of my experience.  I'm only one person and I am only responsible for and representing myself... but I also think that I'm a rather common person  and my experiences are reflective of a great many people.

Growing up, I was never driven towards a career.  I deeply valued relationships (somewhat passionately).  I loved socializing and participating in creative actives, but there was never truly anything that I wanted to be when I grew up.  I am a hard worker and everything I do is done 110% and to its full potential, so it isn't an issue of drive.  One thing that I have always loved is caring for people.  Naturally, it's what I do and what I'm good at.  I find great fulfillment in nurturing.  Though, I wouldn't say that parenting came easily or naturally to me, it was something that I embraced, worked at and continue to work hard for and feel incredibly fulfilled by.  I absolutely love spending my time ensuring the happiness of my children.  When they were little they slept in bed with me... right there between Jay and I.  I extended my breastfeeding with Bunny and did not with Lila and never felt pressured to do it or oppressed by either feeding method.  I used disposable diapers.  I didn't make my own baby food more than a few times.  I laid down with them to go to sleep and still do if they want me to.  I walk them through their homework.  I work with them on their projects.  I read to them.  I play with them.  I cook with them.  I craft with them.  I'm at field trips and I'm in the classroom and I'm at every event that I know is happening in the school.  I'm screaming my face off at sporting events, holding cold water and a healthy lunch.  I hold them when they cry and I celebrate their accomplishments.  I have watched them closely for 8 years and I have been pushed to my limit and grown and struggled and worked HARD for my children.  I am proud to say that I am a good mother.  I'm not going to be insane and suggest that in order to be a good mother you have to do what I am doing.  I am saying that I am doing what I am doing and I know that it works for myself and my family and I am proud of the work I do.  

The choices that I have made were not obligatory.  I might be a cookie cutter stay at home mom, but I am truly doing what comes naturally and feels good to me.  And I love my life.

What feels restrictive and oppressive to me is the claim that I am not doing enough.  I feel squashed by the assertion that my role in the world is not important enough and that I am only a mother because I don't have a job.  Last year, I got a job because I needed to have one.  I worked hard.  I believed in my job.  I loved the people who I worked with.  I worked hard, before, during and after work.  But my heart was with my children and I eventually stopped working because I wasn't able to do what I loved to the extent that I wanted to when I was working.

It is true that I am a mother.  I am also a writer.  I am an artist.  I am a gardener.  I am a wife.  I am a friend.  I am a crafter.  I am a baker.  I am an adventure seeker.  I am an advice giver.  I am a listener.  I am an event planner.  I am many things and though being a mother is probably the most rewarding, it does not define me.  If I had to call myself anything, it would be "a work in progress."

Pretty

So...

this is important.

Enjoy.