The Big Dilemma

Here's the problem, I do not know where I want to live.

Suburb? City?

I think, in part, I get caught up in what-I-think-I-should-want.

There are people out there who will talk your ear off about how the city is no place to raise children. They'll tote the common suburban ideals: safety, big yards, great schools and family community so convincingly that I feel I'm doing my children a grave injustice by living in the city. I feel poor. I feel weird. I feel... well, BAD about our choices. But for every suburban warrior, there is another person who says, "there's nothin' like city living." And of course, this is true. Because we live in the city, my kids are exposed to more culture and more diversity. The trouble is that with this culture and diversity comes a few rude awakenings. They see more poverty, homelessness, drug abuse and other general crime. They deal with crowding. They see people who are clearly nuts and experience the helplessness of not being able to help and the confusion of not understanding why. They live in a smaller space without an attached dwelling (there's no such thing in philly. Everyone shares walls) and don't have a big yard to move around in.

On the other hand, they have an unbeatable charter school in the city. Not only do I feel like my children are getting a top notch education, but I also feel that they are both part of something important. If we moved to the suburbs and lived in Cherry Hill, NJ or Voorhees, there's no doubt that they'd have a good school... but their classmates would be mostly white and come from families that were sitting in an economic middle. Not that this is bad. It's not bad. I just don't think that it's good either. I like the fact that my kids go to school with an incredibly diverse body of children. Some are coming fro extreme poverty and some are coming from extreme wealth. We fall in the middle. I like the fact that rather than making up the status quo, our family becomes part of the diversity. I feel that being exposed to this sort of racial and socioeconomic diversity gives my children an education that goes beyond books and blackboards. They learn culture and they learn social conscience. They learn tolerance and they don't have to stretch themselves far to accept differences because they aren't growing up with a ton of people who come from families that are just like theirs.

And then there's the matter of bedbugs. They're all over this city. If I have to go through it again, I will likely die. DIE. I'm serious. DIE. Bedbugs are the hardest thing that have ever happened to me. And they are spreading like wildfire in this city. Everyone has them or has had them. They're in everyone's neighborhood. They are becoming resistant to the chemicals and people are having a tough time killing them.

What to do... what to do...

Motherfuckingfuckingfuckers

Late last week we received a letter from the management company of blood suckers and bastards. The letter ignored the rebuttle that we sent as response to their first letter. The new letter stated that if we didn't pay them several thousand dollars within ten days that they'd send us to collections.

We sent the last letter certified mail and the post office was never able to deliver it and no one from the apartment company ever picked it up. We followed up by overnighting it to them. Still, several weeks passed before the sent a new letter (that didn't even acknowledge anything that we tried to negotiate).

This time we faxed them a letter saying that any attempt to slander our credit will be vigrorously faught by both Jay and I and that we dispute owing them any money. It also points out that they've made no attempt to come to an agreement, nor did they acknowledge our losses.

So, they called. They are saying that because the girls and I traveled last summer that we likely brought the bed bugs into the building and that the company had to exterminate the hallways after we moved out. The thing is that we hired a company to safely remove all of our belongings and dispose of them. Also, the girls and I traveled TO MY PARENTS HOUSE in Naples. We came home to a bed bug infestation. Philadelphia is number 2 in the country for bed bug infestation. My parents did not, do not and never have had bed bugs. They live in one of the wealthiest communities in the US, for Christ's sake. Not that money has that much to do with it... but one of the biggest reasons that bed bugs are so prevalent in cities is because they are so expensive to exterminate. When people can't exterminate properly because they don't have THOUSANDS of dollars at hand... the bed bugs spread.

The apartment company is also saying that the condo association fined them because we moved out on the wrong day and used the wrong hallway. But Jay had our move approved by the condo association days before we actually left and all parties were in agreement that doing the move at night and through a back door would be the best, healthiest thing to do.

So, here's the thing. I WILL NOT. I WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER give those bloodsuckers one penny of our money. I know that they can say that we didn't have to throw out everything that we own. Some experts say that you do. Some experts say that you don't. And if we went to court, they could probably find lots of people to say that we chose it so we can eat the money. For the most part, that's fine. Jay and I are back on our feet. We came out of this okay. And look, it even worked as the catalyst to get me a job that I really like.

But the apartment wasn't inhabitable. How in the world can they possibly be charging us for something that we couldn't live in.

That company is one big giant jerk and I hate it.

It's been awhile since I have written about the bed bugs.

When we were moving, we did two things with our clothes. Anything in boxes was thrown out and everything in our apartment that hadn't been packed yet went into bags, went to a laundry mat, was put through a heavy duty drier cycle, put into new trash bags and has been sitting in our basement for two months.

I have only had three actual outfits and have just been wearing them and wearing them for three months. The girls have just been wearing new clothes and new school uniforms. Jay also bought a few new things.

But, confident that the bed bugs are gone, we took the 11 trash bags that we had stack in our basement to a laundry mat this weekend and Jay washed and dried everything.

There should be no survivors. There really shouldn't have been any survivors after the first time. But we left them there because the eggs aren't killed by the heat and they needed to hatch and the babies needed to starve.

Also, we received a letter from our old management company saying that if we do not pay them a ridiculous amount of money that they are sending us to collections. We do not owe these bastards a cent. What do we do?

The Friday I Hit Someone With My Minivan

I picked the girls up from school as I normally would and called Jay to see if he'd like me to swing over to get him from work. He told me that he was walking to our last management company to drop off the keys of infestation and doom. I said that I'd meet him there.

It was nearly 4 on a Friday, which is apparently rush hour in Philly? Who knew? I've lived here for two years and I had no idea.

Also, for unknown reasons, Philly was insanely busy today. There was auto and foot traffic everywhere. My destination was deep in the insanity of center city. The traffic was gridlock. I saw a parking spot ahead, put on my blinker, checked my mirror and slowly began veering to the left to pull into it.

That's when I hit a young hipster on his bike.

Obviously I stopped my car immediately.

I jumped out.

But he was already running away.

So, naturally, I chased him.

I was yelling, "Are you okay?" sort of repetitiously and frantically. Sporadically I'd add "I'm so sorry." And I remember blurting something out about my insurance.

Believe it or not, he never even turned to look at me.

He shouted, "Yeh. I'm great," sarcastically and kept going.

So, here's what I've gathered from the group of spectators that stood with their mouth agape (one even offered to run and get me some water. But that was after I started crying.)

I guess that he was weaving in and out of traffic, as bike riders in Philly are known to do. When I was pulling into my parking spot he was in my blind spot.

My life is so bad that it's becoming comical.

I'm reminded of that Ani Difranco lyric:

"Life just keeps getting harder and it just keeps getting harder to hide. The darker it is around me, the easier it is to see inside."

Hitting the Pavement

I hit the Philly pavement today to find a job! I don't need much or many hours. I just need SOMETHING. From now until December I'll put everything away so that I am able to ensure that my girls have a great Christmas. After Christmas I'll work to help chip away at the damage created by our recent crisis.

I targeted bakeries because... well, I love baking. My ability to bake is one of the things in life that I'm particularly confident in. That said, I didn't find much. Most bakeries are only hiring for cake decorators. This is something that I'd love to do but am not experienced in. I've worked as a cookie designer, but never a cake decorator.

I went into the Big Green Earth Store and really liked the manager there. He told me to send my resume in tonight. I told him that my resume is superiorly unimpressive because I've been a stay at home mom for the past seven years. He responded really well to this and made me feel incredibly comfortable. Given my love for green, low-impact living, this seems like the kind of place where I could thrive.

Cross your fingers for me!

You've Got To Be Kidding Me

Lila rolled out of bed this morning requesting half a bagel topped with a scrambled egg and a piece of bacon.

I immediately got to work on making one for her and one for Bunny (though Bunny was still in bed and doubtfully would eat it even if she wasn't). Of course, I forgot to put the fan on and our fire alarm went crazy! A few minutes later there was another fully uniformed truck of firefighters at my home. It's was 6:45 in the morning!!!!!

This time we'll get a fine.

I don't understand. The bacon wasn't burning or anything. Neither was that London broil the last time that it happened.

I just don't get it.

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I must have seriously karmically pissed someone off somewhere. I might need to get right with God, or the like.

Between the bedbugs, the classroom nightmare, having no furniture, being completely broke and the fire department showing up and fining us... I've gotten two parking tickets in less than a 24 hour time period. Both times were for an expired meter. I got there within minutes of the meter expiring... but each time was too late.

I can't help but feel that I'm paying for something awful.

Fire Fighers

I was broiling a london broil tonight and forgot to turn my oven vent on.

Suddenly our fire detector began beeping and our house alarm went wild.

I ran to the front door and pressed in our code. Everything stopped. The alarm sounded for less than a minute.

Five minutes later we had a fire truck in front of our house with a whole team of fully outfitted firemen.

At least I know that they respond quickly.

Bed Bugs in da house

All I can say is that Lila woke up with a half-live bed bug on her sheets and blood stains this morning.

The exterminator says that this is good.

I am unable to think and my feelings are insane, unhealthy and shooting all over the place.

My friend Victoria says that we can go and live with her if we need to... just until we can get on our feet. I may need to leave Philadelphia. I know that Jay can't. His job is here. Plus, he loves it here. I don't want to walk away from my marriage (AT ALL) but it's irresponsible for me to keep my children in this situation.

I am going to follow the exterminators directions, practice patience and hope for the best. If, in a few weeks, we're still going through this...I'll have to leave.

The company that we hired to dispose of our belongings will not do it until it's been exterminated. Our apartment management didn't want to exterminate until our belongings are gone.

Oh, and today was our anniversary.

Photos From the Day

We went to the Please Touch Museum to renew our membership today. Then we headed over to Smith Park! When we got to the park there were vendors supporting children's behavioral health there giving away water ice, soft pretzels and apples.

Here are a few pictures from the day.

Weekend Update

The lack of furniture and toys are really taking their toll on B and L. I'm afraid that our pets have become toys and this makes me crazy. I'm doing a lot of policing and a lot of crying. My stress level is so high that there's no oxygen to feed it.

I let Lila and Bunny take some notebooks and crayons to the back patio while I made dinner two nights ago. Lila's pants (as always) had scooted down and she ended up getting a bunch of nasty mosquito bites on her booty. Even though I know that these are mosquito bites... they look so much like bedbug bites. It's really messing with me. To make matters worse, they've really been bothering her. All the benadryl and hydrocortizone cream in the world couldn't help and she hysterically sobbed herself to sleep last night. Emotionally, I'm so exhausted and depressed, I don't have the energy to do much and fell asleep with the girls again last night. They both woke up screaming for me several times throughout the night.

Life is hard.

Luckily, Sherbert is home from the hospital and he seems okay.

Jay worked all morning and a lot of the afternoon yesterday. After he was done we took the car to be cleaned.We ended up taking the girls to a green space to just run around. We played hide and go seek and played around in the trees. We're taking them to the Please Touch Museum later this morning.

I feel no happiness.

Seriously, I just want to sit around crying all the time.

Things have to get better. They have to. They have to. They have to.

I was telling Jay that there'll never be a time in my life when I fail to appreciate simplicity again. Feeling safe and happy and comfortable in your home is now the most precious thing. I never realized how valuable it was until I lost it.

Oh, and our apartment company sent us a letter saying that they fully expect us to pay for a renewed lease but that as a courtesy they'll accept payment through Nov. 16th. And they sent a checklist of things that need to be done in the aparment with a list of what they'll charge if they are not done. Like, "Clean counters are $15." A clean kitchen is $200. I'd like to send them an itemized list for every belonging that we've lost and what I'm charging them to replace it. Bastards.

Phileo, A Completely Human and Totally UnBedBug Related Thought!

I've noticed Frozen Yogurt Bars popping up all over the city. FroYo and Cupcake Bakeries are on every Philadelphia corner.

I pulled the girls out of school about an hour early today. We had flu shots scheduled for both of them. This is the first flu shot that my children have ever had. I've been vehemently against them. But where Jay almost DIED last winter and sat in the hospital with limited movement of his legs for an entire week and continues to have a damaged spine and numbness due to the swine flu... I considered it a universal lesson in cost vs. benefit of vaccinations.

So, back to the subject. I took the girls for these shots. Bunny (who would now like to be called Kaitlyn) so Kaitlyn only needed one shot. Just the flu shot. Unfortunately, Lila was due for two other shots and needed to get three. My poor little bean.

As a parental food/guilt bribe, I decided to take the girls to the Phileo that they've been dying to try. It's a child magnet with shockingly bright decor (it sort of reminded me of Maoz, if Maoz did lap tops and free wifi) and sweets displayed. I've never been to a place like this. They basically have these giant cups that you can put as much or as little yogurt in. It's self serve and the yogurt machines are built into a long, green wall and are followed by what seemed like an endless and impressive array of topping choices. Lila chose the cappuccino frozen yogurt topped with coconut flakes and chocolate. Bunny Kaitlyn got the cake batter frozen yogurt with sprinkles and chocolate chips. They loved it. It was pretty cheap too. We got two decent sized yogurts for 4 bucks and change.

It was almost enough to chase the blues away.

And for the fat-free lovers of the world, most of it was fat free and everything else was low fat.

Personally, I think that fat makes everything more delicious and I like my yogurt with a nice layer of cream... but that's just me. I realize that other people care

Saturday- My Life In Hell

Outside of the death of one of my children (and maybe even my husband) we have had the worst thing in the world happen to us. We, with the company of a shocking number of our Philadelphia neighbors, have been infested by bedbugs.

According to all of the six exterminators who I have spoken with in the past 48 hours, bed bugs in Philadelphia are an epidemic. They are in five star hotels. They are in apartment buildings. They are in clothing stores. They are in people's homes. They travel through the electrical wires and can survive for months and sometimes up to two years without feeding.

Two mornings ago Bunny and Lila woke up with welts. Because I've heard so much about bed bugs in the media lately, I immediately stripped their beds. I didn't find any evidence of bedbugs. Like, I didn't find any bugs. I didn't find any of the little black dots of stains that they leave behind. I felt pretty confident that we probably didn't have the bugs. Then, after a bit of research and a close inspection of the sheets, I found the small blood spots that bed bugs are notorious for leaving.

I called the pediatrician and she said that she didn't think that the bites sound like bed bug bites. She said that they sound like flea bites. I actually felt relieved to think that we might not have bedbugs. Jay: I never thought I'd see the day when having fleas would be a good thing. After careful examination of our pets I determined that we probably don't have fleas. I found no evidence of fleas, no fleas and don't see much scratching going on.

That night I slept in with the girls. I went from bed to bed thinking that if anyone was going to get eaten that it would be me because I'm bigger and easier to get. I was right. I woke up in the morning with my shoulders and back and even my ears bitten. I doubt that I would have even been able to fall asleep, but I was so exhausted from crying and feeling hopeless and had used to much strength trying not to panic...trying not to run away... and trying to hold it together a little bit for the girls.

Jay has been working 12+ hour days. Even today he's at work. And his work is hard these days. So, he comes home and deals with Hell and goes to work and is stressed out beyond stressed out. It's terrible timing because I am absolutely, without a doubt, not strong enough to deal with this on my own.

For anyone who knows me... parasites are one of my worst fears. Bed bugs, lice, fleas... they make me feel so overwhelmed that I'm going to pass out. I can't deal with, accept, live with, understand, grasp or handle that there are INSECTS FEEDING ON US in the night.

When the exterminator came I didn't have a lot of faith in him. 1.) he left when he couldn't find a parking space and then he returned only when I found him one that was free and stood in it until he got here. 2.) He was 2 hours late. 3.) He didn't take the sheets off of our beds or look for any evidence of bedbugs before charging me $810. He was like, "yeh. you've got them. But it doesn't look bad. Don't worry about it. We'll just take care of it." And then he told me not to worry about keeping my mattresses... that I should keep them. And when I told him that I wasn't going to keep them because I read that sometimes the bugs live inside the mattresses, he told me not to drag it through the building. I had no faith in this man.

I found another exterminator in South Philly. I'm going to call back at 9. Over the phone one of the guys told me that it's $600 per room to exterminate. We'll do our new house... and treat our old apartment ourselves. Then, we're just going to IKEA and buying new mattresses and box springs, pillows and so on. I'm going to salvage most of our clothing... but we're throwing most other things out. I think that our dining room table and hutch are both okay. We'll exterminate the bed frames. We're going to save our kitchen things, like plates and pots and pans. We're saving the girls armoirs and night stands, but exterminating them. We're getting rid of our couch (just in case) and the dresser/desk in our bedroom. We're getting rid of all our toys, books, bookshelves, toy boxes, suitcases... and any place that bed bugs could be sleeping/breeding during the day.

I believe that this infestation is small here. An apartment above ours was exterminated last week. They say that it wasn't for bedbugs, but they also haven't said what it was for. They don't have a pet and we don't have mice here. I'll bet that it was bedbugs and they don't want to say so.

Did you know that many people don't even know that they're being bitten. You have to be allergic to the bites to really know. The girls both swelled up. Bunny has welts on her legs that are the size in circumference of golf balls. Jay hasn't felt anything, which means that they haven't made it to our bed or that he isn't feeling it happen.

Just so you know, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Our condo association designates days when we can and can't move. So, we can't move until next Saturday. That said, we've already got the keys for our new place and we're going to take new mattresses there today with a few things and sleep there, on the floor, with no other furniture for a week. I can't put my children to bed for another night not knowing what's going to happen... and using myself as bait is so emotionally and physically terrible that I don't think I can do it for another night. Also, they'll eventually stop feeding on me and move onto the girls again. Just because it wasn't last night or the night before doesn't mean that it won't be tonight. I. Just. Can't.

Also, we don't even have the money to pay for the extermination and replacement of all of our possessions.

I just want to run away. It all feels totally overwhelming.

Saturday

I should really be packing. Instead, I'm blogging while waiting for my pretzel dough to rise.

I've noticed that the content of this blog consists mostly of day-to-day mama life and food stuff. Recently I've become aware of just how important food is to me. Good quality is such a big deal and I just never, ever, ever, ever want to be in a situation where I am eating something that I don't feel good about again.

Today, at around 11, Jay suggested that we start walking down to the Magic Garden (we were scheduled for a noon tour). We decided to grab a quick bite to eat on South Street before our tour. South street has pretty much every kind of food that a person could want to eat. There's everything from fast food to fancy-date-night places. I thought that we'd just go to the Whole Foods salad bar or stop in at a pizzeria, but instead we happened upon this placed called the Loving Hut. I think that it would cost a family of four about $20 to eat at a place like McDonalds. For $20, we were able to get giant plates of organic vegan food. We got a quinoa salad, a humongous and incredible sushi roll and a monster sized plate of chow mien noodles. This food was so delicious, so nutritious and so cheap, that it occurred to me that we really don't ever have to eat crap so long as we're living in this city.

Last night we ate at the White Dog cafe, which is another organic restaurant. It was on the fancy and pricey side, but so yummy.

On my internal list of Philly-pros-and-cons, I add good, healthy, affordable and fancy food to the list of pros.

Our tour of the Magic Gardens was cut short because my girls Lila had no patience for the experience. I mean, she didn't have a tantrum or anything crazy, but she was miserable and wanted to leave. In her defense, she's newly five years old, it was all about fascinating history... but her interest in that was minimal and she is suffering from some miserable allergies. Jay, Bun and I were all hanging on every word of the tour guide, because the artist Isaiah Zagar is a completely awe-inspiring. I truly hope that I bump into him around town some time. He's just about finished his work on a huge warehouse and though it's closed to the public they're holding a fund-raiser there soon. I'm going to try to find information on it because I'd love to go to something like that. I have a feeling that it would be packed with interesting people and good conversation.

After we left the street tour, we returned to the gardens to wander around and take some pictures.

Here are a few photos from the day! Jay was with us, but he was the photographer. Isn't that the worst? You take all of the pictures and there's no photo evidence of your presence there!

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