Bloggers Remorse

Yesterday, I published a post in my blog that I truly regret.

The blog post was inspired by my daughter Lila, who is seven years old and has been gifted with an unshakable, completely beautiful, strong and amazing spirit and confidence.  Despite being clinically overweight and living in a country where being fat is popularly perceived as less healthy than smoking cigarettes, my daughter dares to love and accept herself completely.  At seven years old she is wiser than just about every adult I know.

I wrote my blog post because I admire my daughter.  I fear that as she gets older she will lose the self-esteem and spirit that she has.  Already, I hear her classmates discussing weight and dieting, and I do not every want my daughter to feel like she's anything less than completely perfect.  She is, after all, a very healthy child- no matter what number appears on the scale at her pediatrician's office.

So, several weeks ago I bought my very first bikini.  I took some "before" pictures and intended to take "after" pictures when I felt I looked good enough to wear it in public.  Initially I intended to post my transformation pictures in my blog and part of a fitness segment that I've been trying to keep up with.

But Lila inspired me to take a look at myself and try to show the world that as a normal weighted, fully healthy person, I have plenty of meat on my bones without being fat.  So, I decided to publish my flawed pictures yesterday and posed the question "If you are not thin, are you fat?"

I wanted people to think about the fact that we culturally call healthy weighted people names that are associated with being overweight, such as chubby, chunky and thick.  People like Marilyn Monroe, Christina Hendricks and Tracy Dimarco, to name a few.

I really wish that I hadn't done this.

My blog post has had more views in the last 24 hours than any of my other posts has ever had.  Though I had no public comments, I had plenty of messages from concerned friends.  Now most of these messages came from a place of love and I don't want to dismiss or discredit that, so if YOU are a person who sent me a concerned message, please do not feel like I am angry with you or am attacking you in this blog.

Sadly, the point of my blog post was completely lost, burried beneath those stupid pictures. My entire post became about how I look in a bikini to people and about how I view myself.  This really makes me feel angry, because that entirely defeats the purpose.  I got messages from people accusing me of hating my daughter, disgusted because I said that she was overweight.  I got messages from people worrying about my self esteem and telling me not to be so hard on myself or so obsessive about my appearance and I got messages from people who wanted to know why I don't know that I'm thin.

The post that I meant to be empowering suddenly became the opposite.  And I hadn't expected this.  I hadn't meant for these pictures to be the focus of my post, but instead thought that they'd be an addition to it.  A support for it.

I did worry about posting my pictures, mostly because when you see people in a bikini they are generally in great shape.  I, though entirely healthy, do not have a particularly thin or athletic body.  But THAT is the very reason that I thought it was important to do it.  People chose to be mean in a whole different and unanticipated way.

Of all the messages I got, no one had anything to say about what the post was actually about- which is a mother wanting to preserve her daughters self-esteem and break the cycle of shame.

I'm really sorry that the message that I intended to come through was largely swallowed by my bellybutton.  I am not sure why it happened, but I regret the whole post.

If You Are Not Thin, Are You Fat?

  

My 7 year old daughter is overweight.  Since she was a toddler, she has been much larger than other children her age.  

The doctor's often marveled at how chubby she was.  At 12 months old she was about 30 pounds.  She was so roley-poley that she never actually crawled because it was tough for her to get her belly off the floor.  Our pediatrician said that she would likely be a late walker because of her large size, but low and behold, she was an early walker.  At ten months old she picked herself up and began moving.  

As she's gotten older, she has gained a real appreciation for food (sort of like her mama).  She likes buying it, chopping it, preparing it, cooking it and of course, eating it.  She's a pretty healthy eater also. It's not unusual for her to ask me to pack her a salad for lunch or to choose and apple or grapes to munch on as a snack and her vegetables are always the first thing she eats.  Just yesterday she was telling me that when she grows up she'd like to open a really fancy salad restaraunt with a huge salad bar (because I'm a responsible mom I explained to her that really fancy restaurants don't have salad bars ,to which she scoffed and said, "I don't care.  Mine does.") I'm not going to claim that she doesn't love her sweets, because she does... she's seven, after all.  But we don't have a house that is packed with candies and cookies.  

So, as far as her body goes, my daughter is probably always going to be a little bit overweight.  It's just the way she is.  And that is quite normal for her.  She is healthy, active and most importantly, she really likes herself.  

As a person who has struggled with her weight and who has let her weight define her value as a human being for all of her life, I am worried about passing my unhealthy perceptions and attitudes about weight onto my confident and happy child.  I suspect that my struggles with body image and self-esteem regarding my weight is one of the first things that people associate with me, sadly.  This quality in me has become, unfortunately, definitive across the boards.  

Many will say, "well, it doesn't matter what you do, because the world will make her feel badly about herself anyway..." and I have given this a lot of thought.  At this point, children have pointed out to my daughter that she's larger than they are.  All kids note differences.  And my daughter says things like, "I really experience the joy in being chubby," or, "I wouldn't be so cute without my adorable chubby cheeks," or (and I squirm as I write this,) "Look at my fat belly, it's from all those healthy foods I eat."  She is aware that she is a larger person and she truly loves herself and accepts herself.

So, everything concerning the way my daughter feels about herself and her health is wonderful, but the world is a pretty fucked up place for women. And I wish that I could take her to a different world where as she grows up, everyone and everything isn't going to insist that there is something wrong with her.

My child deserves to live in a world where she is ENTITLED to like her overweight body. My child is ENTITLED to feel beautiful at a weight that society has arbitrarily deemed "too much."  I deserved this as well, but it was not the hand that I was dealt.  I will be damned if my daughter is going to experience the shame that I have felt without seeing me in the front lines fighting for the preservation of her self-esteem.  

All of the women in the pictures above are generally thought of as big, thick, chunky, chubby women.  This makes me wonder, if you are not thin, do people think that you are fat?  If you are big, are you fat?  Is there anything truly wrong with being a little bit fat? Or, having some meat on your bones? Is it less attractive?  To who? Is it less healthy? According to who? 

Frankly, I have seen women who outweigh me by 100 lbs run faster and harder than I can.  With far better endurance as well.   

I am 36 years old.  I have 2 children.  I am 5'10.  I weigh 150 pounds.  I wear a size 8 to 10.  My BMI is 21.5 and I work out more often than I don't,  yet the world makes me feel like I'm a little bit big.  I am, in every respect, totally normal.  

Now, because I am on fire right now, I am going to do something brave.  I am going to post the bikini pictures that I took and intended to post after meeting my goals and transforming my body.   This is really hard for me to do.  Even taking the picture was diffiuclt.  I can not imagine going out in public while wearing this.

I am posting these pictures because I want to make the point that THIS is what normal is for me.  This is what healthy looks like on me.  Do I have meat on my bones, YES!  I have a little extra chub in a whole bunch of places.  I am also stronger than ever.  I am in better physical shape than I have ever been in.  I have a healthy diet.  I am a totally normal, average person...  and that, my friends, is not thin for me.

This is what average looks like for ME.  

This is what I look like.  This is how I wear "healthy."  

And I am really sick and tired of living in a world that says average and healthy is chubby.  

I want my daughter to live in a world where she can be her own size.  She can define what is comfortable with her and not be criticized and told that there is something wrong with her.  And because I can not take her to a different planet, it looks like I'm going to have to change the world.

And that starts with changing myself.  

And now I'm going to go and have a good, long cry.  

Circle of Hope church

Bunny's recent woes (which are pretty much wee's now), have brought it to my attention that she has some real self-esteem issues. She's expressed to me that she's shy because she believes that if she tells people about the things that she likes that they'll ultimately reject her. She also feels less valuable than other people. For a child who lives in a loving house and has always been cared for, nurtured and supported... I just don't understand.

I'm doing a couple of things. I am first, taking her to a holistic doctor to speak about pediatric depression. I emphasize the holistic part because there's no chance in Hell it's unlikely that I'd medicate Bunny.

One thing that Bunny has always wanted to do but that we've never honored is to attend a church regularly. She prays every day and speaks about God as a believer... which is sort of amazing considering that her father is an Atheist and her mother is a Me. She even feels sorry for us and lectures us about God. When she broke her arm the hospital paperwork-people asked if we have a preferred religion that we'd like for them to document in her file. When I said that we don't practice a religion Bunny corrected me and told him that she "believes in God."

Even though I don't know where I stand and Jay thinks that it's all a pack of lies and that we're teaching our child something false... I've decided to take Bunny to church. I think that she deserves something that is hers. She should be able to follow an interest that she has... even if it is different than what Jay and I believe. Further, there's nothing bad that can come out of going to church. I love communities and I received a recommendation about a church in Philadelphia that is warm, safe and seems good for people like me (read: people who aren't necessarily Christian but who aren't really anything else either... but for whatever reason need a church to go to).

The church is called Circle of Hope. I was speaking with one of the mom's at ICS about it. She said that several children at the school attend school there and recommended that we go to the 5 o'clock meeting on Sunday. There's a lot that happens for children at that meeting and she thought it would be a good way to get a feel for if this is a good fit for us.

I am so scared.