The Homestretch

I am wildly, emphatically, gleefully and eagerly counting down the hours to the last day of school, probably even more so than my children are.

Summer vacation, I can practically taste you.  And you are sweet like watermelon.

Here's what I want to do:  NOTHING for at least 2 weeks.

I want to live in my swimsuit and flip flops, read books and have lazy, lazy, lazy days by the pool.

I want to do so little, that by the end of August we are all bored out of our skulls and can't wait to get back to the chaos and over-scheduling that seems to pin us down every fall and hold us in place until the beginning of June.  I want to get some rest and recharge my batteries.

I want my kids to be outside, playing and using their imaginations and bodies.  I want them to live in their swimsuits and to get muddy and to come home at night feeling like they've adventured and had whole days with no where they had to be.  I want to ride bikes, camp, toast marshmallows and sit on the beach.  We are going to spend two weeks in Naples with my parents and I am really looking forward to being at a beach where you can swim.  The Gulf is as warm as bath water and you can be over your head and still see shells on the sand clearly.  Some people do not like Florida in the summer time, but I think that they are nuts!  I love it.

Lately, life has been work, work, work, drama with the kids, work, work, work, work.  I am rushing from one place and get there late, only to rush to my next place and arrive late.  I am WAY too busy for my own good.  This week was especially taxing and emotional because, out of nowhere, Lila began experiencing (what I can only describe as) separation anxiety.  She has not had this happen since pre-school, and even then it did not last more than a few days.  This entire week was drenched in tears, unfounded fear and anxiety for Lila.  I had to take her out of school one day, meet with her teacher over and over, see the pediatrician and meet with the principal of the school. Also, I needed to be present in the school for most of the day, a few times this week.  I had to take her out for lunch and sit with her at recess.

It had me wondering, am I doing more harm by being present?

But I'm glad that I did it.  When I would show up for lunch and recess I tried not to hover too much.  I just sort of sat there, so that Lila knew that I had kept my word and feel comforted by my presence, but I did not get involved with her conversations or games.  At first she was very clingy, but by Friday she couldn't have cared less that I was there.  So, I guess that I did the right thing on this particular occasion.

Being a parent can be so tricky.  My instinct was to swoop in, grab my daughter and tell the school that they should send her work home to me for the rest of the year and that I will do it there with her and turn it in.  But, I think doing that, in this case, would have taught her avoidance and escapism.  So, I knew that there must be a middle ground.  There must be a way to help her feel supported and comforted, while still teaching her to work through her anxiety and fear.  This time, this worked.  We got through the week.  I am hopeful that next week will be better and that the following week will be celebratory!  Then the school year is over.  7 more days!  It's the homestretch.

I can't help but wonder what amount of this anxiety is about the change of NOT moving?  Lila is almost 8 years old and this is the longest that we've lived in a house since she was 2.  This is the longest that she has been at one school.  This is the most relationship development that she's ever had with people outside of her family.  I know that a month or so ago I looked around my house and freaked out a little bit.  The yard needs more maintenance that we've given it.  We have an accumulation of "stuff" that we need to toss... like school papers and cards and the house needed a closet cleaning and reorganization.  My initial thought was, "we really need to move soon."  Because every year for the past 4 years we've moved before we even had the opportunity to completely unpack.  But this time we are not moving.  We are staying in our rental house until we are ready to buy a house of our own.  And we probably won't do that that until Twitter goes public.  So, it could be awhile.  For the first time ever, we are settling in.  And I am wondering if some of that adjustment will be uncomfortable in its unfamiliarity.

Peach Tree

When we moved into our house in February this tree was completely bare and we were told it was a peach tree.  To me, it just looked like a sad, naked trunk that was adorned by many weak, spiky branches pointing upward.  This is not what I have imagined peach trees look like and I never expected it to become anything other than it was in the winter.

Then, in March something interesting happened.  It seemed like overnight this tree went from being completely bare to being covered in tiny, pretty pink and white flowers.  No sooner did it bloom that it lost all of the pretty little flowers and green leaves sprouted throughout the skinny tree.  But rather than appearing frail, suddenly my peach tree looks full of life and transformation.

Today, I noticed that there are little green and red berries that are about the size of large olives covering this tree.  I can't wait to watch it transform.  Will these grow into peaches?  I already feel so spoiled with an outdoor fire place, two lemon trees, orange tree, rose bushes, tiger lilies and fresh herbs everywhere.  Will I be so lucky as to be able to just pluck a peach from a tree in my backyard every time I need a little midday snack?

Naples

For the record, I tried to post this blog update on the ipad and failed miserably.  First, I was unable to add the picture and then I couldn't find spell check, but the final straw was when I wasn't able to separate my thoughts with spaces.  So, in conclusion, the ipad is great for many things, blogger is not one of them.

The girls and I flew out of San Francisco on the red eye to Naples last Wednesday night and got here early on Thursday morning.  Abandoning all reason, care for beauty, aging and health, I continue to be a sun-worshipper.  There is just something about the sunshine that is like medicine for me.  Laying waterside, pool or ocean, with a book and a cool drink makes me feel incredibly joyful.  I love watching the girls playing without anywhere to go or anything that has to get done.  I love California, but since moving there our lives have been incredibly hectic.  Between the accelerated demands of private school education, all of the girls' extracurricular activities and their social lives, Jay and I have had very little time for ourselves or each other.  My days have been pretty saturated with the stuff of new surroundings.  Not only settling in, but errands, cleaning, caring for Sidney Holler's failing health and trying to help Groovy James assimilate into his new family.  On top of that, I have my crafts, which I've been trying to make a little time for each day while the girls are at school.  There's a project waiting for me at home, on hold, that I can't wait to return to.

Jay is sitting this vacation out.  His new job is simply too new for him to leave for a week, which I completely understand.  He's begun taking on some real responsibility there and is coming home feeling happy, satisfied and fulfilled by his job with Twitter.  I'm crazily proud of and excited for him.  He's definitely found his place in the world and the culture there suits him.  He's going to be working 12 hour days and will have every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off, plus he'll have every other Saturday off.  We are really looking forward to this.  Honestly, Jay has worked a lot of 12 hour days in his career, but done it 6 or 7 days a week, instead of 3 or 4.  I have a feeling that every week will feel like a vacation.  I am really looking forward to the summer, when we can take advantage of our days together.  We can choose to be lazy and enjoy our new backyard, or to adventure together as a family.  Speaking of family adventures, on the tail of one huge move there is already talk of another.  It looks as though we may have the opportunity to move internationally with the girls in 2013.  This, of course, is a tough call that I think we should revisit at the end of 2012.  At the moment, I'm exhausted by what feels like constant relocation.  I want my girls to feel normal and for things to be quiet for awhile.  Also, what about our pets?  I do not think that Sidney could survive a flight in cargo, so she'd need to be re-homed. In and of itself, that feels like an impossible obstacle to overcome.  On the other hand, we have always said that if offered the opportunity to live internationally with our children, we'd take it.  My time abroad was certainly more an education than college and I do wish the same for my children.  So, I am going to focus now on making our home in California, keep an open mind and just wait and see what happens next year.

So often, when I'm busy I fall into some unhealthy ruts.  For instance, I drink too much wine and not enough water.   I don't get enough exercise.  I eat the leftover toast off of my children's plates.  These small things really add up and work against me.  I have done a little soul searched over the last few days and have decided to make some changes when I go home.  Truthfully, I feel pretty terrible when I act in unhealthy ways, and when I fall into these types of bad habits things like my weight feel out of my control.  So, I am ready to take control.  

But for now, I'm going to go and slip into my swimsuit and head over to the resort pool (pictured above) with my mom and the girls.  The kids are working out with my mom's trainer today and I'm going to lounge in the sun with a book and let my skin soak in the vitamin d.

The move

It's been a long time since I blogged. So much has changed that the obligatory "catch up" blog where I talk your ear off about our new home and the holidays seems like an impossible undertaking. The very thought of rehashing my past six months is overwhelming and, well, just a little bit depressing. So, here's my catch up: Jay hated his job. He got a new job that is five billion times better than his old job in every way imaginable. And then we moved to California. And now we are all happy.

It was as if there was a HAPPY/SAD light switch that was flicked. It's no secret that I never felt at home on the east coast. I just never quite fit in. I kept trying to settle down, but my heart was always elsewhere. We were always planning our next move and each time we'd resign to plant roots I'd become restless and blue. At some point I decided, this must just be the way I am. A place can't make me happy or unhappy. I am responsible for my own feelings. So buck up. As it turns out, this wasn't the case at all. The tri-state was actually totally responsible for my unhappiness and California is my favorite place on earth. For the first time in my LIFE I feel like a fit in somewhere. It's more than the nice weather (I actually think it's warmer in New Jersey right now) or the friendly nature of the people around us or the fact that I am awestruck by the beauty of where I live every time I hop in the car and run to the market! I just feel at peace here. I feel like I am finally home.

So, I've decided to start blogging again. With my new life has come a new sense of purpose and adventure. Suddenly, I have a lot more to say!

The Big Dilemma

Here's the problem, I do not know where I want to live.

Suburb? City?

I think, in part, I get caught up in what-I-think-I-should-want.

There are people out there who will talk your ear off about how the city is no place to raise children. They'll tote the common suburban ideals: safety, big yards, great schools and family community so convincingly that I feel I'm doing my children a grave injustice by living in the city. I feel poor. I feel weird. I feel... well, BAD about our choices. But for every suburban warrior, there is another person who says, "there's nothin' like city living." And of course, this is true. Because we live in the city, my kids are exposed to more culture and more diversity. The trouble is that with this culture and diversity comes a few rude awakenings. They see more poverty, homelessness, drug abuse and other general crime. They deal with crowding. They see people who are clearly nuts and experience the helplessness of not being able to help and the confusion of not understanding why. They live in a smaller space without an attached dwelling (there's no such thing in philly. Everyone shares walls) and don't have a big yard to move around in.

On the other hand, they have an unbeatable charter school in the city. Not only do I feel like my children are getting a top notch education, but I also feel that they are both part of something important. If we moved to the suburbs and lived in Cherry Hill, NJ or Voorhees, there's no doubt that they'd have a good school... but their classmates would be mostly white and come from families that were sitting in an economic middle. Not that this is bad. It's not bad. I just don't think that it's good either. I like the fact that my kids go to school with an incredibly diverse body of children. Some are coming fro extreme poverty and some are coming from extreme wealth. We fall in the middle. I like the fact that rather than making up the status quo, our family becomes part of the diversity. I feel that being exposed to this sort of racial and socioeconomic diversity gives my children an education that goes beyond books and blackboards. They learn culture and they learn social conscience. They learn tolerance and they don't have to stretch themselves far to accept differences because they aren't growing up with a ton of people who come from families that are just like theirs.

And then there's the matter of bedbugs. They're all over this city. If I have to go through it again, I will likely die. DIE. I'm serious. DIE. Bedbugs are the hardest thing that have ever happened to me. And they are spreading like wildfire in this city. Everyone has them or has had them. They're in everyone's neighborhood. They are becoming resistant to the chemicals and people are having a tough time killing them.

What to do... what to do...

progress

We are making some progress, but we had an insanely long yesterday.

We were up at 6 to leave Philadelphia at 6:30. Surprisingly, my children were up and excited to leave (even Bunny- who I have totally given up on calling Kaitlyn). We got to New Jersey, picked up our UHall truck, dropped off the girls with an incredibly generous friend who showered them with toys (so appreciated and needed). I met Jay, his friends CK and JP over at the storage unit and we emptied it into the truck. Then, I picked up the girls, dropped the keys to the storage place off and headed back to Philadelphia. This was a LOT of time in the car for the girls (about 5 hours in the car with an hour and a half break). I was incredibly proud of them for being so understanding. When we got home, Jay's friend B was here to help us unload our furniture.

There's a lot left to do. We unwrapped most of the furniture and unpacked many boxes... but, still, there's a lot to do. Also, furniture that will eventually go into a bedroom (like one of the little love seats and a tv and a few of our chairs) are downstairs. We are a little bit scared to move them at the moment. Our problem is likely over (fingers crossed) but we won't know for sure until we've had two weeks without anyone experiencing a bite... which hasn't happened yet.

Of everything, the girls are the happiest to have their own computer! Jay is happiest to have a couch to sit on. I am happiest to have our patio furniture! Oh, and I got pretty excited when I unwrapped about two dozen of my mother's old steak knives!

Here are some pictures. Like I said, we have a long way to go... but this gives you an idea!

Tuesday- Little light in a Big mess

I'm not going to the contaminated apartment today. I got a lot done there yesterday and was happy to finish my grocery shopping at the Reading Terminal Market (if you can swoon for a grocery, I do swoon and sing for this one), come home, make a nice dinner, work on homework with the girls and read a book before bed time. I also took Bunny to get her ears pierced but she backed out just after they put the little purple dots on her ears. I bought her magnetic earrings instead. She was really disappointed in herself and we had a long talk about not doing things until you feel ready to do them. I think that she's feeling pressure because the other girls in her class have their ears done already.

I wish that I never had to go back to the apartment again.

Did I mention yesterday that they said that we'd have to pay for these ridiculous bulk trash fees if we wanted to get rid of our contaminated things? I was like, "This building did this to us. It's costing thousands of dollars. My children no longer have ANY toys or books. We don't have a BED. I am not paying you one penny to solve this problem." And then I started crying and was like, "you know.... I'm never like this... but I'm so angry..." If anything, they should be glad that we're taking care of it and not just abandoning everything that we don't want and letting them take it out.

So, we decided to take everything to a sanitation facility to be destroyed or thrown in a big pile of crap... or whatever happens to your stuff when you do that. It will be the last thing that we do on our moving day (Saturday).

Surprisingly, even while living with just a folding card table, a few folding chairs and some mattresses on the floor... I am somehow happier than I was in my apartment. I really like it here. I know that I've complained about the neighborhood, and it is a little bit sketchy. It gets worse as you go south, and because of all the one way streets in this city you have to go south of where we live and then wind around to come back up to our house. My neighbors are all really friendly. There are lots of kids. It's quiet (way quieter than living in Center City).

Better still, cooking in my kitchen was a dream. The appliances are so beautiful and such good quality.

As soon as this moving nightmare is over, I think that we'll be really happy here.

Sunday- baby steps to freedom

Jay worked yesterday while the girls and I did what we could get the hell out of our Chestnut St. apartment.

We went to the exterminator and bought things that we'll need to prevent this from ever happening again (including a powder that I can squirt into things like the electrical sockets).

Then, we did laundry. We went out and got mattress covers for our new mattresses and pillows at our new house. We did more laundry. And when we were done with the laundry we went to a laundry matt and used their super, crazy, hot dryer to make sure that every little one of those fuckers is dead.

In our house we have a folding table, four folding chairs (none of which were ever in our apartment) and new mattresses. That's it. That's all we'll have for a week. and in that week, everything that we own will either be thrown away or exterminated.

Wish us luck.

I am so thankful that we're moving. I COULD NOT live in that apartment for another minute. We still haven't seen any of the bugs. I haven't even seen evidence of them outside of the bites and the little bit of blood on our sheets. That said, I think that our infestation is really small. They are probably just getting to our apartment from another apartment.

While we were leaving yesterday we saw an exterminator coming in. I was like, "What are you here for?" And he sheepishly said, "I don't know. I think ants, maybe."

Ants, my ass.

And I'll tell you, that "luxury" building of condos that we paid through our noses for two years to live in... has sucked the life and so many thousands of dollars out of me.

I feel so bad for all of the residents.

New House In South Philly

We got the keys to our new house today!

The house itself has grown on me. I love the old floors and the exposed brick walls. Also, I am spectacularly excited to have a back yard again. An urban backyard is like a golden nugget, to be cherished and protected forever. I'm hoping the there's enough light to build a little vegetable garden with the girls next spring.

Also, the kitchen in this house is so nice!!!! I mean, our apartment has a kitchen aseembled with dental floss and popsicle stickskitchen that is... fine. It has the things that "nice" kitchens require, (or, at least in the world according to HGTV) like stainless steel and granite countertops. But the appliances are so cheap and the cabinets are crap and the granite is paper-thin. Our new kitchen was done really nicely and I'm excited to cook in it.

Jay and I still don't agree on where we should put our dining room table, being that the house doesn't have a proper dining room. It's one of those things that we'll have to see before we can make a real decision.

I still have reservations about the neighborhood... but I'm trying to embrace it. I am trying to stay positive and hope for the best.

We can't move in until October 2nd... but that gives me some time to paint before we move in.

Pictures soon!

UPDATE!!!!!! I went by the house with the girls after school today and took a few pictures! There will be more to come after we paint and move in!

Sunday-granola day

I love lazy, cooking Sundays!

I made a loaf of bread, a gigantic batch of granola, and am thinking about making a banana bread too. This is a day for the kind of weekend dinner that you start at 2 and have on the table at 5:30.

I used this bread recipe. It is WONDERFUL! I have long since abandoned my bread maker, which was a hand-me-down. Maybe I'll revisit the contraption soon. Also, I use this general granola recipe and just dress it up a bunch with dates, raisins, seeds, nuts and chocolate chips. For this batch I bought a pound of trail mix from the bulk containers at Whole Foods. This is a cute little article on granola that I read at the beloved Whole Foods site.

In our packing challenge, Jay is tackling the dissembling of our children's trundles. We're putting the little twin mattresses down in the family room for a few days until we can bring them over to our new place. The girls think it's great and have been cuddled up watching movies. I'm trying to stay markedly unfreaked out about the mess of brown boxes and stacked pieces of furniture that our lives are becoming. We pick up our new keys on Wednesday and I'm painting on Saturday night.

Here are some pictures of my adventures in Sunday food (plus one of the girls!!)