Bingo Night

I am, like, INSANELY excited to go to bingo tonight.

Here's the thing, bingo and I go way back.

When I was in college I used to go to the Budd Lake Firehouse bingo every Sunday.  Never once did I win.  That said, the first time that I brought my friend Erik with me, he won over a thousand dollars.  And even though I didn't share in his profit, I couldn't help but feel that I had somehow won vicariously through him.

When I lived on the cruise ship I worked the cruise ship bingo (which is not as serious as Firehouse bingo).  Firehouse bingo is a room packed with the chain-smoking retirement crowd.  They are eating hot dogs, drinking pepsi and shouting "slow down" every five numbers called.  Cruise ship bingo is an all-ages event.  It's more about passing the time between lunch and dinner than it is about winning money.  Firehouse bingo is pretty much a religion.  Cruise ship bingo is just a good time.

Our school is hosting a bingo tonight.  There's a big group of ladies who are going and I'm going to kick their asses  join them.

I've been making such nice friends. I've never really lived in a place where my extreme social anxiety hasn't prevented me from becoming close with people.  I don't really get close with people very easily, and most of the friends that I have are people who have been in my life for years (like, 15+ years on most counts).  You sort of have to love me before you like me, I think.   I mean, since meeting Jay, I think that I have only made two new friends.  And then we moved to California, and though I had no plans to get to know anyone and no hope of fitting in, I've been consistently pleasantly surprised by how accepted and liked I feel.  I'm even meeting new people at the gym.  I actually have a friend who I go with Monday-Friday and she and I spend an hour (on the elliptical) chatting it up every day.  When you do that enough you really get to know someone.

But back to Bingo.  So, I'm going to this school bingo with a group of fantastic ladies and better still, the school offers free child care.  So, while I'm at the bingo, the girls will be hanging out with their friends.  It will be a social event for them as well.  Sort of a non-parent chaperoned party on a Friday night with elementary school kids.  What could be better than that?

All I can say is that I'm feeling lucky!

Homesick

You'd think that if I were to get homesick, it would be for one of my many east coast homes, but it's not.  Every summer Jay and I go out to Denver to visit with my friends, who are really more like family to me at this point.

Because we are going to my friend Mathew's wedding in November and then back out to Denver for Christmas, we decided not to try to plan a visit this summer.  At the  moment we're paying off some debts while simultaneously saving to buy a California house of our own, which makes things just a little bit tight around here.  Two trips in a year is pretty much all we can do.

But I'm really missing my friends so much.  I keep finding myself choked up by how lonely I am for them.   Friendships like these take decades to form.  I have been friends with Siet since I was 11 and next year will mark 20 years since I met Mathew.  Their spouses are all so similar to Jay and when we visit everyone has so much fun and there are so many people who come together.  It's just food and music and adventures and long, long, long conversations that twist into new conversations and the kind of laughter that could make you pee your pants if you're not careful.  It's like one giant, never-ending dinner party.  I never feel as loved as I do when we're in Denver.

Sigh.

I am homesick.

I love this time of year! I can't believe that Christmas is less than a week away! All of our shopping is done. All of our gifts are wrapped. I have granola to make all week and cute little boxes to put it in!

This week should be very busy at work, so I expect for the hours to really blow past while I'm there. Yesterday went by really quickly.

After the holidays I get my own BGES email that I can use to contact companies. T has had me doing a little bit of the buying here and there and he says that he's going to teach me everything about the store. He's put me in charge of contacting the company for the Orbit Baby Stroller and ordering them for our store. Now I've been doing all of the mail orders (both phone and internet), the purchasing and receiving vouchers, merchandising and the store newsletter. I'm excited to learn more so that I can apply it to my own little business someday.

Things are good. I'm feeling settled in. I wish that our house was a little bit more festive for the holiday... but we didn't take any Christmas decorations with us when we moved and it seemed like a waste to go out and buy a house full of decoration when we could be using the money in so many other ways. That said, we have the necessities. We have a little tree, stockings, Charlie and a little Santa.

By the way, this year I'm cutting corners. I'm giving Santa those instant cookies from a mix and the reindeer are getting baby carrots. I work on Christmas Eve and have lots to do that night. I'm making jalapeno poppers, 7 layer dip, a meat and cheese tray, a veggie plate, a lemon meringue pie, a banana split pie, a cheesecake and peanut butter cups when I get home from work. At noon the following day CK, the girls, Jay and I are heading to JD's for Christmas... which is something that she and I used to dream of when we were young. Long friendships warm my heart. This is particularly true because my family is so far away.

Epiphany...

My friend Tali gave me the most profound bit of insight via blog comment (in reference to the regrettable envy I have for my pregnant friends). She said something that opened my eyes and connected... while making me feel better too.

"I think it's not so much resentment Anna as grief. Granted I have never had something work it's way out my uterus but see a lot of women go through a grief process after they've drawn the line at how many babies to have. It's grief that you're not going to carry a baby again and that you won't have those experiences again. It feels a lot like jealousy and/or resentment but grief is often only associated with death so we don't always recognize it."

Everything about this comment resonates, but the part about grief being associated with death and therefor going unrecognized rings especially true.

After all... the death of a dream is something to grieve for. Even if you put it to rest knowingly, agreeably and honestly... still, you grieve.

...and that's what I'm doing.

So, be patient.

new crafting idea

I noticed that T has a giant bag of old wine corks on his desk and asked if I could have them to make something.

I'm going in with the girls later today so that they can "feed the worms" in the composting worm farms that we keep there (we have four of them and they eat up to a half a pound of food each day). I'm going to pick up the corks while I'm there.

I think that I can grab some straight pins and build a little table to use for displays. A quick google search proved to me that I'm not the first person to contemplate how I could turn my corks into something useful, functional and beautiful. I found both of these articles on the subject. I'm deliriously excited to work on this little project tonight!

Things in the house are moving along. I think that the bb's are finally gone. Considering that some people struggle with this for a year or more before they can solve the problem, we've done really well. Being rid of them was completely worth the loss of all of our possessions. There is no thing that is more precious than our peace of mind. From this we have learned a lot about the nature of our happiness. It was a hard lesson, but one that we are going to embrace.

Last night we hosted our first dinner here. Hill and Pail came over and I made a chicken Parmesan, spaghetti, a chunky pink sauce, Italian sausage and veggies, rolls and yellow squash. It was okay. Not my best creation, but it was fine. I used a lot of extra cheese in the sauce and it made it too greasy. I need to be more careful of the type and quality of the cheese I use to cook with. Hill and Jay relocated our little yellow love seat to B's bedroom (bit excitement) and I'm shocked by how much room remains there! It's interesting how you don't realize how big a room is until you see it furnished. After the girls went to sleep we played the Worst Scenario board game and drank a few beers. All in all it was a fun night!

amazing people

Tonight, while I was mixing and pre-heating the beginnings of what would become our "breakfast burrito" dinner night (Bunny's personal favorite), I saw someone at our front door. Jay was like, "Oh, it's Jack," and hopped up to the door so that he could let him in. Jack is our good friend, but he's really like family at point. Also, he happens to be Jay's boss at Nasdaq.

He came through the door with giant bags full of toys! It was AMAZING.

Normally, Jack comes over during the fall on Thursday night for what has traditionally been called "Pie Night." Pie night is a big deal to B and L. They love the formality of it all. We have company and a huge dinner that I generally spend hours working on. Also, we have a fresh cooked pie or some sort of frilly dessert. The grown-ups drink wine and the kids get to watch movies and eat appetizers. It's just a special night and usually lasts from the beginning of fall until Christmas. This year, for obvious reasons, pie night has been canceled. Boo.

But this evening Jack came over with his Santa sized surprise. We ate dinner, broke out the new monkey play-doh and sang Lady-Gaga songs.

On one hand, I hate feeling like a charity case. On the other, our worlds have really been rocked. Jay and I are doing our best to make life okay for our children... and they've been incredibly understanding of the sacrifices that we've made as a family. But it feels good to see them with new things, happy, playing, being imaginative and genuinely carefree.

Trick or Treat

Yesterday I spoke on the phone with my childhood friend S. I caught her up sobbed my way through the long, distorted, miserable tale that has become the story of our recent past. She's probably the strongest, most grounded, earthiest person I know. I sort of consider her fearless. She's the sort of person who's like, "What's the big deal about lice? Sprinkle a little Cayenne Pepper and some organic apple cider vinegar on your head and yer good to go."

Honestly, I was hoping that she'd offer me some sort of refuge. Not that I'd necessarily take it. But yesterday was a low day and the thought of dipping my children into tubs of hot water, spraying my car with pesticides, popping some strong antihistamines in my dogs mouth and us all quietly escaping Philadelphia at some point in the middle of the night did cross my mind once or twice.

But even my fearless friend S was like, "BEDBUGS ARE MY WORST FEAR. Don't go anywhere. You'll take them with you."

I cried and cried and cried.

And she was like, "It's okay to call me crying. Do it as much as you need to. But remember, you're the mama. You're the lighthouse (I think that she said lighthouse... but it could have been flashlight or lamppost or porch light or maybe even life force... something to that effect) and you've got to hold it together for your family."

This isn't the first time that someone has said something like this to me in reference to the bb's. And I have been trying VERY HARD to hold it together. I lay in bed with my girls and tell them that everything is going to be alright. I tell them not to worry and I recite all of the good things in our lives. I tell them how much I love them and I tell them about all the great things that we have to look forward to. I spend a lot of time on the dinners that I make each night and I try very hard to create a homey atmosphere of safety, sanctuary and peace.

Realistically, this is just a show. And every so often I slip and I snap or I break and I cry.

I cry more when they are in school than when they are at home and I cry less this week than I did last week.

But, sometimes I fall apart.

I am going to work harder to make things better for the girls. No matter how much money we owe and don't have. No matter how much stuff we've lost. No matter how victimized we feel by the stupid bed bugs or how long it's going to take us to recover from them... our kids have whole lives ahead of them and they need to walk away from this unscarred.

So, although it probably seems small and silly, I took a little step towards happiness and normalcy today by decorating our fireplace with a few of the Halloween party decorations that V passed down to me (from her party a few years back). It's just a couple things, but I know that she'd probably rather see something from my house incinerated rather than have it back in her house right now. I know that my girls will come home this afternoon and be completely thrilled to see this!

I am going to do more happiness and less complaining. I'm going to be more grateful that we're alive and that nothing irreparable has happened to my family. This, eventually, can all be fixed.

Unbelievable kindness

Sometimes, when you feel alone, someone will do something extraordinary that makes you feel loved and supported. Some days this happens on a small scale. A stranger smiles at you or opens a door. A neighbor helps you inside with your grocery bags. A bakery worker gives your child a free cookie while you shop. A lady on the street engages you in conversation about how much she likes your shoes/hair/earrings. Just something that makes you feel good.

Tonight it happened for me by way of a gift from an unexpected place.

A friend of mine, Ginger, who 17 years ago was one of my very best friends sent us a care package. What amazes me is that I haven't seen in her nearly 15 years... and yet she managed to send us the most considerate, heartfelt package. She printed photographs of my family from my facebook page and framed them. She baked us a loaf of pumpkin bread and jarred smoked peach and habenaro salsa, sugar free peach preserves, canvases, paints and paintbrushes so that we can create artwork for our new home and a whole craft kit for my girls.

I would never expect this from ANYONE. I have been blinded by the pure love in the generous offering of people... this just totally shocked me.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate such a kind act.

I feel so loved.

Here are some pictures that I took just after opening the package. My girls were so incredibly thrilled! The photos are a little dark because I took them with my phone and it's the evening... but you'll get the gist.